Learning to be nice to myself.

A while ago I wrote about how hard the job hunting has been on me. As in, making me doubt myself, or saying nasty things like I'm a waste or a social parasite. Some days the situation gives me actual physical pain (in the stomach, in the throat, in the head) and constantly thinking about it is messing up with my mental health. I am not a crazy person. I am not a crazy person. I am not a crazy person. It reached a point where I would throw stuff (my phone at the car) and cry and feel helpless and obsess about all kinds of little unimportant things like books not fitting in a bookshelf.

And don't get me wrong. I am quite happy. And I realize that we are very lucky and blessed in all kinds of different ways. Zan wrote about this a bit here. About the process of " being content with your small corner of the universe and your tiny slice of life" and about the big plans for the future. Then of course there was Adrienne, the lovely wedding graduate from 1969 (those were the days), and her ever wise words: "It is your attitude and expectations.  Resolve to be content."

Some days I feel like Joan, Julia Stile's character at the end of Mona Lisa smile when she has that final talk with their professor (Julia Roberts). Because yes, I chose to be in this situation.
And as much as I thank feminism for giving us girls the right to study, to dream wild dreams, make them come true and fly high, in real life it is not quite so easy. I can't help feeling a tiny pang of envy when I see classmates going on internships at places like the Wildlife Conservation Society/Bronx zoo. Or I see opportunities to learn and make a change in India. Or, without even going so far away, there is a seal nursery and rehabilitation center in the north of the country, or some interesting job opportunites at animal health institutions all the way in the east of the country (not that I actually have any idea if they would even call me for an interview. I feel like I am walking in the dark in a forest full of monsters). But commuting for 6 to 8 hours a day is not an option for us. And now that we are married, being long distance (again, after having done it for 2 years) just seems unconceivable. So I am actively making these choices.

Image via here

Remember the day I was all confused with fashion in the office because I had an interview? Well, I got the job and I am starting next Monday. It is a simple office job, but at least we will be able to save and hopefully it will also distract me enough and give me some peace of mind. My brain up there needs to stop making theories. It broke my heart a bit to stop at the laboratory where I was working, and it makes me wonder if this is not a bad decision, since I am straying away from my field. It has become clear that I probably need to do a Master to be competitive in the job market. I am under the impression that having a dutch diploma would actually help a lot. Not that it would actually guarantee anything, there seem to be lots of highly educated people in this same horrible situation. But what I want the most right now is to STOP looking for jobs every day. Stop going through the process of writing letters and then waiting and then getting the bad news. It is slowly destroying me inside, and I can not let this go any further because I must be stronger than this. And so I decided I will give myself a break, I will not even look for openings anymore, for a month or two and see if it helps me calm down. I have to tell myself that this is not giving up, but just giving myself some needed mental rest. Of course there is a part of me saying but what if I miss THE opportunity of my life during this time. Anyway I am also going into this new job because if I really am going to start graduate school, I am going to need to somehow pay for it and this would make it possible. To think that this is just a necessary step to get where I want to gives sense to things. So I am writing this here to remind me of all these things.

Ever since I saw the movie Outbreak (thanks Dustin Hoffman) I wanted to be an epidemiologist and if I can not be a clinical vet or work in research (because apparently as hard as I try I don't have control over the situation or the minds of the recruiters), then I would like to go in that direction.
In the meantime I will resolve to be content. I will enjoy, like I always do, the time with the boy. Our walks together, maybe short trips, dancing, being able to get flowers for cheap, cooking, baking, attempting to  learn photography, focusing on improving my dutch skills, playing with  our little neighbors...