Thursday, September 10, 2015

Like being in the middle of a whirlwind

Life these days does not stop. I feel like I am inside a washing machine that keeps turning round and round, over and over again. Whoever started talking about "balance" when referring to navigating work and family life never really experienced it. I do not feel there is a balance at all. I feel like we are constantly running just to keep the status quo, just to (barely) keep functioning.

Mornings start very early. As soon as we are up it's full get ready, make breakfast, eat breakfast, get dressed, go, go, go. To the train, to the car, to bring Y. to daycare. The days when I can bring her are the best, because it is such a calm, happy place. You don't just drop the kid and go. You have to stay a short while so that the transition takes place in a smooth way. They make nice coffee too.

I like working, I like being productive and helping people out, and learning. And I like the people I work with. But I would be lying if I said I did not think of my girl a lot during the day. I daydream of our days spent at parks, finding caf√©s to drink latte's and eat lunch together and walking around  the city, discovering new places.

By the time I am back home, the focus is on eating dinner, then playing a bit, reading books and shortly after Yu's bath time and sleeping ritual follow. I want to be present when I am with her, our hours together being now so limited. When she finally falls asleep we are both exhausted. Brain dead. Collapsed. I want to do stuff, but more than anything I want to rest and that always ends up winning. Dishes, minimum picking up, still have to happen.

Weekends are the best but they are not very relaxing. We do all kinds of fun stuff together, we visit friends, we try to go to exciting places (like the petting farm), we catch up with friendships. Laundry, cleaning, groceries have to get sneaked in between.

It keeps going on and on and on.

We are still breastfeeding during the night and though I am ovulating, I am still not pregnant. It makes me feel really sad. I also feel really guilty for being sad, because I know how blessed we are. But we are yearning for another baby, and when you are everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant at the same time. Several friends of us who have children the age of Y. are expecting their second kids and I hate feeling the jealousy again. I do not like to dwell in negative feelings, but they are there. We keep hoping though, and we keep going, trusting, praying.
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