Our huge little miracle

 I have been wanting to write this post for what seems a very long time. Now that the time has come though, I don't know how to start. Our ICSI (IVF) treatment in June worked and I am 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant. As I write this I think of every person that is hoping for a baby. I know how hard the in between is and how difficult to handle pregnancy announcements can sometimes be for those who have met the infertility witch, its awful dark side. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I also don't want to be naive, I know the baby is not here until it is here. It all still feels very surreal but we are so incredibly happy that this is finally happening. That there's a little growing baby inside me.

Now that I am finally able to write about this, I want to go back to the start. The two week wait after our embryo transfer was probably the most stressful. We had very high hopes,we were happy and joyful and expectant but the last two days I was freaking out. I did not really have symptoms, no dizziness or nausea or implantation bleeding or anything. But I did notice my bras were starting to feel very, very tight and my boobs felt very full and heavy (though not sore or painful or sensitive, just big). That had us hoping. I also felt very strong pulsations in my lower abdomen and I thought this could mean my period was on its way. The IVF clinic instructed us to take a home pregnancy test 2 weeks after the embryo transfer. They don't test HCG in blood (beta) or care to watch the concentrations double... which we were grateful for, I am not sure I could have handled more number-induced freakouts. We were supposed to test on a Thursday, but we tested the first time on Wednesday because I could not wait any longer. I could not believe my eyes when, still in the toilet, I saw the faintest line appear. I teared-up, ran to Mark who was still in bed and kept frantically saying "there are two lines, there are two lines, do you know what this means?". But he was not buying it. He did not smile, or hug me or believe it. He went to go get the instruction manual instead and had to check for himself. (Turns out he was expecting a + sign... and was not sure that one line was enough, no matter how much I kept repeating that we-had-a-positive). After verifying by himself his eyes teared up too, and we hugged and just basked in the surreality of it all the whole day. I kept going back to the stick to see it and smiled like a crazy person. The next day I took another test... just for fun (and to be sure). I had always wanted to take one of those digital tests that indicate how long ago conception took place (even if, duh, we know the precise date when it happened).

 We called the clinic and they gave us an appointment at 6 weeks. This is where we would see it for the first time... and look for a heartbeat. It was amazing. As soon as the probe was in we saw it: a big black bubble with a white blob inside... and the excited doctor telling us that there was a heartbeat. At first we could not see it, it was barely noticeable, and then yes... the little bean had a twinkling star inside, flickering fast and going off and on every second.

I still had almost no symptoms. My boobs were still big... I could not tolerate wired bra's and had to stick to soft ones. In the meantime I have bought a couple of new ones but that was pretty much it. To be honest, I was expecting the first trimester to be very, very difficult but it hasn't been the case. When at week 7-8 I was still not getting morning sickness I started freaking out, dreading something might be wrong... but the doctors reassured me that the baby was fine and that not everyone gets nausea. (My mom also told me that she did not feel very nauseous either). I did get symptoms, but very random ones... mostly tiredness. Or scrap that, exhaustion. I need to take naps in the middle of the day. I'd be reading and suddenly I was not able to concentrate and just feel the need to sleep. I only seldom get a motion-sickness like feeling when my stomach has been empty for a long while (usually at the end of the day, while waiting for Mark to come back from work). I have only thrown up once in the whole first trimester.  At the beginning I really craved steak and all the red meat. I also really crave oranges and in some days beans. I haven't lost my appetite, on some days I am actually very very hungry... and find myself going for seconds. I want to eat all the food. I have noticed though, that very spicy or oily food (Turkish pizza, Curry, Roti) makes me sick immediately, so I avoid it, even if I do feel like it. I can not pass a Doner Kebab shop without wanting to try it. I also had migraines a few times and pregnancy rhinitis. This had me scared, because I thought I might be getting the flu, and getting a fever may be harmful for the baby... but I just had a stuffy nose and throat. Oh and I have to go to the loo all day long and in the middle of the night.

Can you see the hands by the head? It was moving so much that all our pics are blurry.

We have seen the little one at weeks 6, 8 and 11, and it is so surreal. We call it hummus, because at the very beginning I kept eating lots of the creamy, lemony stuff. At week 8 it turned its little head towards us. At week 11 it was asleep and we could only see its back, but after a little poking it woke up and started dancing and throwing its tiny buds of hands in the air.  Oh and they let us actually listen to the heartbeat. So loud and strong and happy.

 That's when we were graduated from the fertility clinic... they actually gave us a "pregnancy certificate". Yesterday was our first appointment with the midwife. From now on, until the end, the checkups will be handled by midwives. Which was a shock as I am used to gynaecologists following up pregnancies in Mexico. Over here you are only ever sent to the ob-gyn if they find any abnormalities or risk situations (high blood pressure, diabetes, liver failure). The second shock is that our midwife is a guy. Yup, a man. But I guess I have to get over that as well. He seems to know what he's doing, we'll see how it goes.We do get to see a doctor again at the 20 week ultrasound, but I am not so sure about the rest.

My belly is slowly starting to grow... I did not put on weight yet, and my clothes still fit (though they are starting to feel tight and I tend to prefer stretchy stuff). Mostly my belly feels hard and it seems that it has been pulled up and forward but I think that is mostly due to my uterus pushing my internal organs around and bloat than real baby bump? I am not sure.  According to the fruit chart it's now between a Royal lemon and an orange.

So this explains the silence in August... I was feeling very tired, at the same time I wanted to write about this but was not able yet and I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, as I really don't want to cause any unintentional hurt  (and I hope I haven't done so). We are so grateful.