Friday, October 14, 2011

Things that shall not be named....

for FEAR of them becoming real. You know, how sometimes, you write stuff and then it happens. I have this irrational belief that as long as I don't say it out loud it is not there, that I can hide it, make it disappear, just like Snow White's dwarfs when they were cleaning.
That I can pretend It's not there. I was going to write about it, but I don't dare to. Anyhow, yesterday, clicking through links over at APW, I found this text, thanks to Sarah, Albie's mom  and I thought I would share it. I could relate in more than one way, and somehow it gave me hope.

Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley.
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. Michelangelo’s David. Venice. The Cinque Terre. Roma. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
 After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
 But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place to where you thought you were headed. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around. And you begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. (and Vermeers)
But still everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy. They are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
We're struggling, but there are lovely, lovely girls out there that make me think that this situation will change. It is a weird thing, spending 8 years of your life studying Physiology, Biology, Reproduction only to learn you can not control anything. That it is not about knowledge. That there is no switch that you can simply turn on when you so feel like.  I am thinking it is more about magic. And on bad days where I cry, where I want to break things, it feels cruel, it feels like punishment, it feels like I am a failure. And I find it hard to get my faith and my hope back. I know for a fact that every baby is a miracle, that there are no accidents, I know. I know all the things that can happen to a zygote even before it can nest, I know that it is less than 30 % of conceptions that make it to term. Lots of times you conceive and you don't even know it cause the tiny thing disappears before you get your next period. I watch MTV's sixteen and pregnant in awe cause I really don't know how that happened to all those girls. How you can get pregnant from 1 night of drunken sex. Those stories feel like a bad joke to me now, and a mean one at that. Of course you could say I am old (biologically) after all 16 is not the same as 31, and I know that the "ideal" age if your body was to decide is somewhere around 22.  But that can't be it, because I have friends my age and these days Facebook is a baby festival. After all, if a cow under metabolic stress  can get pregnant with half a dose of frozen semen... I should be able to?


  1. I don't really know what to say except that all of my friends struggled with infertility and now have their babies. My best friend is currently pregnant with her baby girl after 4 failed inseminations and 1 successful ICSI. Fortunately, today we have science to give us more options, so keep the faith (and try to forget the statistics and the biology, That will only make you more nervous!).
    I am living you here two links, 1 is of the blog of one of my friends. It starts with her struggle with infertility and it now continues with life with babies (twins from ICSI, and a miracle baby girl that came without any treatment)
    The other one is a link to a 1st year party for another of my friend's triplets. Read the highlights section to know her story. They looked for them for 3 years, and now they are almost 18 months. It was a long, heartbreaking road, but there was light at the end of it.

    I send you a huge hug and I hope you'll get to Italy soon too.

  2. Wow, I really love the text you found via Albie's mom - it's so so touching! I'm not in the baby stage yet, but I still feel the fear of infertility creep in every now and then, and I wish you all the luck and magic in the world!

  3. @ Marcela, thanks so so much for the constant support. And thanks for the links as well, will read their stories, it really helps to know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and well, in the meantime we just try to keep positive (hard for my on difficult moments) and enjoy each other.

    @ Ashley, yeah, I loved the text too, and thought it was worth spreading. Thanks so much, and wish you luck and magic as well, whenever your time it comes.

  4. Like Ashley I'm not really at this stage yet, even though I'm not much younger than you, and I do feel the fear sometimes.
    It must be really difficult but you're such a positive person, and I'm sure you can hold on to that to know that you will have a family.
    Good luck to you both!

  5. I doubt there is much harder than struggling with infertility and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. We haven't started trying yet but it's a fear always at the back of my mind. Wishing you so much courage and hope as you keep moving forward.

  6. @ Claire, thanks so much, and yeah, we are trying to just keep positive and keep on going. I am thinking maybe I will learn patience out of this...

    @ Fionalynne, Thanks for the support, it really means a lot.

    And to all of you who are not in this stage yet, I am also sending you all the luck and hope magic.

  7. I read this first on saturday morning but had no time at the moment to sit and write you as I wanted. I had you on my mind all weekend, but only now had the energy to come up here. (Seems like there's some kind of virus attacking around here - the real deal, the kind that attack humans - and I think I was no exception.)

    Even though we were born in the same little town (me and Francisco) and have known each other for so long we no longer remember since, it was only later that life finally brought us together. We decided we should have some time for each other before we would start to think about raising the family. We need stronger foundations, we need stability, and we believe we should not skip steps in the relation. This all makes sense to us, and really we know our lives right now are tough for letting babies in, but still I cannot help but to find myself thinking, what if... The thing is, I'm not twenty anymore.

    What if my body gets tired of waiting for it? Am I letting time pass by me? It's scaring. I can totally see were you're at right now. As I read you it was almost as if I was reading something about myself coming from the future. I will just say to you what I say to myself. I have so many examples of women that have been trough it an won that fight, that it gives me faith. A cousin that struggled for years to get pregnant and finally made it after several treatments, and now that the boy is four she was surprised with a second pregnancy she never thought possible (and wasn't even taking precautions). And a friend that tried for years and when finally made it she suffered 3 miscarriages in a row, but never gave up. Now she is the happy mother of two. And I could talk about a friend that was in that fight for years, even though every test said there was nothing wrong with both of them, it just would not happen. Till one happy day it did. And I could go on and on...

    Surround yourself with good feelings and positive thoughts. Plant faith and patience inside you, and you'll get inner peace. Believe. Never stop believing what you want. Your love will lead yourselves on the wright path. It may take you through places you never thought, but I'm sure you'll learn to enjoy it. Holland is not that bad, is it? :)

  8. @ Ines , thank you so so so much. And yes, we are trying to do that. Actually the boy is convinced, he does not doubt anything for one second, and my faith is strong, but then there are harsh moments, mainly when I try to rationaliza, to understand, when I want a reason, and a method and control. Maybe this will teach me to let go. And thanks for all those stories, they definitely give me hope. And no, Holland is not that bad :)

  9. Amanda, I want to give you a big hug and a cup of chocolate. I hope things work out for you the way you want, and meanwhile your readers will be thinking of you and cheering you on.

  10. @ Anna, thank yo so much it meants a lot :) And yeah, we stay positive and see what happens !


I love your comments, let's talk .

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...