Thursday, November 1, 2012

For what it's worth.

 Our first IUI cycle didn't work. I don't know if this was to be expected but I sure was hoping for something else. Anyhow, I mostly just want to say that if there is anyone out there who is considering starting treatment and who is as scared as I was , well it was not at all as bad as I thought or imagined it would be. I did not get any of the side effects I  so dreaded. I started with Gonal-F (on a low dose: 75 IU) for the first days of my cycle, that is, from days 3 to 10. The injections did not really hurt, or maybe just a little bit, kind of like when you feel a mosquito is biting you? And then it's over? The boy was the one injecting me and we had a whole little ritual to make it "fun": we would play a song, most frequently my new favorite, "The origin of love", I made sure I was not looking and he would make sure to talk me so I would be distracted. Then we danced a little dance. As for the medical appointments, the biologist in me was fascinated and quite excited to actually see the follicles grow. I was also expecting a "stronger" reaction from my body. I only had 1 dominant follicle, and another one that stopped growing at 14 mm (the aim is to get them to 18-22 mm). But the doctors said it's all normal, and they are cautious as overstimulation is not a good thing either. The trigger shot (hCG) to release the egg was done at the hospital by a very nice nurse, and this is the one shot that hurt. It didn't hurt when it was done, but it left me a painful bruise that lasted 2  days or so. Nothing too bad. As for the IUI, well, it is about as uncomfortable as getting a Pap smear, but you feel it even less as there is no sample to be taken. Then came the hopeful wating phase. Oh yes, those last 14 days I was on progesterone suppositories, which were weird but doable. Again I did not really feel anything unusual. Except, my super regular period came 4 days late, and there we were, almost certain it had happened cause I am NEVER delayed more than a day. I should have known it was normal to be late, but I guess the hope was stronger. What makes it so hard is that you are always hoping for this egg, for this month. If someone would come and tell us, if you just endure this another x times, you will get there. If our odds were cumulative it would be more bearable. But this constant gambling, the uncertainty, is enough to make anyone crazy. It seems to me that the only time hormones really do have an effect on me is when it all comes crashing down, at the end of a cycle, and then I feel like the world is ending, like my faith is dying, like I just can't do it anymore, can't take it any second longer. But then we gather all the pieces and start hoping again. Please, science, do your magic.

12 comments:

  1. You're so brave to write about this for the whole world to see. I'm sure it'll be so helpful to other couples out there going through a similar ordeal. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks :) And I also hope it can be helpful to someone else, the stories are there, the information is there, but it can be scary, confusing and hard to find...

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  2. I'm so so sorry it didn't work, but also really glad for you that you didn't find the process so horrible. There's really nothing to do but try it again - it's so incredibly rare that it would work the first time anyhow! I know it's normal to feel disappointed so I don't want to minimize that (I did too) but you guys can definitely keep trying and hopefully it'll happen eventually.

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    1. Yeah, I had really read awful stories from the hormones, I guess at some point you just don't care, you just keep going.
      And I know it is quite "normal" for it not to work the first time, I *know*, but then, irrationally, you also hope. So we're there...
      Also, thanks.

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  3. " If someone would come and tell us, if you just endure this another x times, you will get there. If our odds were cumulative it would be more bearable. But this constant gambling, the uncertainty, is enough to make anyone crazy."

    Yes. Yes. Yes. I just had a failed first IUI too. The IUI wasn't horrible. The hope and the crushed feelings, however...they're way worse. *internet hugs*

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    1. Hugs to you too. It will all be fine, it will... we just have to be strong, and see where this road takes us. All the best of luck in what follows.

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  4. I'm sorry the IUI didn't work the first time around and yes, I agree with someone above that you are very brave to be writing about your journey for the world to see. I know that I haven't been able to do the same. Wishing you luck and love for your next cycle x

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    1. Thanks. Hugs and all the best of luck for you too.

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  5. I'm so sorry that the IUI didn't work this time around, but trying to look on the bright side - it seems like the intermediate steps worked? Like the egg definitely released, right? I hope all the steps work the next time!

    This may be a stupid question, but have you read the book "Taking charge of your fertility?" From that book, I learned about basal temperature charting, and how it helps you figure out whether or not you got pregnant on a particular cycle, regardless of whether your period is late. Anyway, I'm sure you already knew about this book, but just wanted to mention it just in case.

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    1. Thanks.... that's the weird part, that all the steps seem to be working (they checked ovulation before) and everything just comes out fine, so we are a mystery to science.
      Anyhow, I guess this is just a matter of keep playing the game, at some point it is just odds, and treatment is supposed to make your odds higher, so we try tostay positive regardless.
      I have heard of that book, have considered getting it, and then haven't. On the one hand I have physiology books (like one called "Pathways to pregnancy and parturition" that explains all the biology behind) and I *thought* I understood my body perfectly. I can tell when I ovulate, I am super regular... and I studied all of that in depth. On the other hand maybe I should just get it... and give it a try.

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  6. I am sending so so so many thoughts your way! Crossing my fingers and toes and wishing you everything you have wanted.

    Loving you from all the way over here.

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    1. Thanks Lauren, this means a lot. All the love to you guys too.

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