Friday, March 28, 2014

A couple of treats


Lately, I have been thinking about how becoming a mother has changed something fundamental in me. I am still trying to find the words, but Lauren and Bits and Peaces have expressed some of it quite well:
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"Having a baby made me free. Free to say no, to say yes, to live directly in the moment. (...). I feel like I have a firm grip on what exactly is important and what is not."

" And then? Motherhood. I began to chafe against the role of being “the one” who goes to takes the baby to bed while everyone else stays up and enjoys themselves. I cringed at having to give up my own meal to take care of my baby.... The new me has no room for selfishness. Because, frankly, even though I didn’t feel like I could push him out, the truth is – I did. And even though the breastfeeding seemed inhumanely hard – it is now one of my favorite interactions with my baby. And even though I may not like being “the one” who does the majority of the work – I’m learning to do it. And the major difference is I am learning to do these things and be these things innately, minus the resentment or frustration." 
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I have become efficient. I no longer worry about irrelevant things, procrastinate doing the dishes of the day until the last possible second before starting to cook again or lose inordinate amounts of time reading one article, after another, watching videos and pictures of cats.  But I get tired, and lack of sleep makes me very irritable and short-tempered. I particularly remember one evening, after we'd had visits, crying in Mark's arms about how I got to do all the work, all the time, and how it was everyone else who got to enjoy our baby, to hold her when she was calm and peaceful. It was my own particular drama about how everyone forgets the mom (and though I cringe as I write this down, and it is certainly not my proudest moment, the feeling is not unusual).


And then there was the day where a very dear aunt pretty much forced me to go out of the house without baby Yu, since she's been home with us, for the first time, for fun. She took us to the  Royal Theater Carré in Amsterdam, to watch a ballet on the beauty of life. It was hard. It meant I didn't get to breastfeed her for at least 2 feedings in a row... and I had ringing in my ears all the advice I'd read about how you should not ever use a bottle before 3 months. And I had to disconnect and release the bond and trust that everything was going to be fine, because she was in the best hands that she could be in (her dad's).

That's when I started feeling like my old, old self again. I got to dress up, wear a pretty blouse, read a book in the train. And just for fun I painted my nails coral and I wear stripey-sandals around the house, in my pretend summer.


This is a non-sponsored post part of the Give yourself a Raise campaign of Raise. (Raise is a new marketplace to buy and sell gift cards on the web.  With the extra money you can save on discount gift cards to your favorite brands, you can spend more on the things you love.) The campaign focuses on the importance of rewarding yourself for all the hard work you put in every day, of taking time out for you!  Whether it be something as simple as indulging in your favorite dessert, or buying a new pair of shoes...  

What are your favorite ways to treat yourself? Sometimes a book and a cup of tea can make all the difference. And I could spend hours and hours in a bookstore. Now if only I could learn how to do the Smokey-eye makeup...

12 comments:

  1. I'm not a mother, but it seems to me like this is all part of the transition and you're dealing with it beautifully. I love reading about your adventures in motherhood. It's lovely!

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    1. Thanks... yes it is a major change (more than I could imagine, in a good way,), but it is also hard, sometimes (read: the witching hour), and it hits you like a train.

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  2. I think everything you felt was normal and it's great that you shared your story with us.

    I love to get a new book, dress up and go out for lunch with a friend.

    Oh, and I hear you on the smokey eyes! haha

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    1. New books and playing dress up are the best. And lunch, yummy!
      If I ever figure out the Smokey Eye I'll pass the knowledge!

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  3. Glad to know my post hit home with you. In fact, I was so happy to read the comments on my post because I thought I was the only one who got selfish about how hard it is. Because, the truth is, it IS hard being the mom and we ARE the ones that the hard stuff falls to. And you bring up another side...even when we get to do something for ourselves, we end up feeling guilty about it. Really realky complicated. Baby steps to figure it out I guess.

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    1. Oh no, you are not selfish at all. It is complicated stuff, but sharing our stories, being there for each other, taking baby steps. We will make it.
      Thanks for your honesty, and for articulating it so well.

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  4. Replies
    1. Thanks so much Sarah! And thanks for commenting! You are an inspiration!

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  5. Me siento muy feliz por ti!!! después de pasar por la mala racha y ahora verte con tu bebe y lo feliz que eres me hace pensar que vale la pena enfrentarse a todo para conseguirlo. Yo por ahora no puedo decir nada con recompensarme del duro trabajo que es cuidar mi bebe.... por ahora trato de no pensar en las ganas que tengo de uno ....me concentro en otras cosas....
    un saludo
    un saludo

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    1. Gracias ! Tienes razón, concentrarse en otras cosas, encontrar las bendiciones y alegrías de cada día, vivir con ganas cada etapa, por duro que sea, por difícil, es la manera de seguir. El otro día leí una frase: "La vida es como una paleta de hielo, si la disfrutas se acaba y si no, también".

      Igual espero que el bebé que anhelas llegue pronto.

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  6. Dear Amanda: It IS hard and you have the right to delegate without the guilt. And also, never feel guilty for bottle feeding your baby.I know all the attachment parenting legionaries will come lynch me for this but having breastfed my twins for 2 years I have pretty much earned my right to say whatever I want, and what I want to say is this: I wish I had bottle fed my babies instead of becoming completely exhausted by the demands I and others imposed on myself due to fear and guilt. Self care for the mum is just as important as the caring of the baby. You deserve it.
    See if this can be of help: http://newmamawelcome.com/

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    1. Thanks so much, and yes, people can get very fundamentalist with their advice. If you believe it, you are on to lots of suffering. I was afraid of using a pacifier (which they used at the hospital anyway), of teaching Yu to suck and swallow with bottles (while she was at the hospital), afraid she wouldn't want to come to my breast. I received so much support, love, kindness and compassion from all the staff at the hospital who reassured me it would all go well, that different rules applied to preemies. And it did, regardless of my skepticism. (I still have to write that full story).

      But still, the guilt. We are so connected with our children, it is not only physical or hormonal, it is probably spiritual, so I can only begin to understand how hard it will always be. But there was a poem... "tus hijos no son tus hijos". We should enjoy every precious moment with them, and then let them fly and be themselves. Easy to say...

      I am glad in the end you found a way to take care of yourself and your peace of mind, it is the most important thing. A happy baby needs a happy, sane mom. However and whatever that might happen.

      Thanks for your support and for the link! It's a good read.

      Delete

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