Monday, June 3, 2013

Bring it on (IVF)


It is funny when all of the things happen at the same time. Last Friday was our (legal) anniversary, we picked up the company's car for the boy's new job (our old car had reached the end of its life a month and a half ago), we went for a walk, had ice-cream and Mexican dinner, and we started IVF. After 6 failed IUI cycles, 2 on which my ovulation was totally missed, the hospital directed us to a new clinic, where there are actual embryologists who perform IVF or ICSI.

With mixed feelings, but renewed hope (as we must) we are continuing on this path. It seems like IUI was an express course on losing The Fear. Last September, when we discovered / accepted that we would need some medical help I was afraid as I have never been before. I never took the pill as contraception because I did not want to imbalance my hormonal equilibrium by "adding" to the mix. I also worried about the environmental consequences of hormones, having studied how endocrine disruptors have effects on anything from amphibians, to fish, to only God knows who else. It turns out I did not really feel side effects and the daily injections for the first 8 days of my cycle were not that bad. I mostly didn't feel any difference, perhaps some bloatedness, but that's it. "Let's just consider this a parable in the pointlessness of sobbing over things that have not yet happened" (To quote the lovely and wise Cara).
 
This time I have decided not to research anything. I am just going to Trust. Trust the doctors, trust they know what they are doing, trust it will work and have faith that this will be it, that our baby will finally come. Whatever happens to me, whatever I feel during the egg retrieval or prior stimuation, I will feel. Yes, knowledge is power, but this time I really don't want to know. And well, I kind of do know anyway because I took a class called "Embryo manipulation" where the whole procedure was explained, so at this point at least, I don't think I need to know more.


This new clinic is really nice: they have posters of scientific articles as well as photos of babies and embryos all over the place and they seem to be very, very professional. I get the feeling they know what they are doing. For instance, it's always the same (smiley) girl doing the echographies to check my follicle growth, and so you feel a sense of continuity (and contagious optimism). I want to believe there is less chance of mistakes due to different doctors observing / working in different ways.  Prior to starting the IVF / ICSI cycle  we had 2 appointments and every time we've been there more than an hour. They really took the time to answer all of our questions. They did kind of imply I was a control freak and that I should let go a bit, but in order to calm down I first really need to know things. They had some blood drawn, to check for infectious diseases, again. Apparently, it's routine, it has to do with the preservation of the embryos. The boy had to provide a sample again and they checked me too. They kept commenting on how the lining of my uterus looked like a textbook and they were happy at the sight of my ovaries, genuinely excited when pointing at all the tiny eggs follicles. After taking a blood sample and monitoring my FSH, estradiol and AMH day-3 levels, we were given the green light to proceed. The thing is, the boy's numbers seem to fluctuate a lot: they are within normal range but they go up and down depending on the day (they told us this after our 3rd or 4th IUI), so that *might* be what's keeping our baby in the limbo. Depending on how things look, they'll decide if they'll go for ICSI or IVF, but so far everything points to ICSI. I really think this just might work for us because in our case it seems that the problem may lie in fertilisation... for all we know it has just never happened. So, we are crossing our fingers and praying that all the steps involved will go well.


The emotional stuff and dealing with people is difficult, though.  I make a point of talking about this to anyone who will listen because I want to change the fact that there is so much stigma associated  with this, that you are supposed to keep it a secret, lest you disturb anyone with it... when it is just something that happens (and no, it's not contagious). And so, the other day I started chatting with a girl with whom I was very, very close when we were 11 or 12, before she moved to a different city and we completely lost contact. It turns out she is a medical doctor (and has a baby). Idiot that I am, I felt safe and told her our story. I got a full lecture on how IVF always sacrifices embryos, and that in other words, I would be killing my own children (those were her words). She concluded by saying that I should think twice before affecting the lives of innocent creatures. Now, I get that this is a very personal and very sensitive subject, and anyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I felt so judged. Judged by someone, nonetheless who has no idea of how this feels. Or assuming that we did not think all of these things already. And while we are choosing to go down this road, while we are immensely grateful that we are even able to do so, it is not our (or anyone's, I'd say) first choice. Getting belly shots, twice per day, while doable and not all that painful, is not fun either. And don't get me started on the transvaginal invader and losing whatever dignity I had after being literally half-naked in front of doctors countless times. I know I am stupid for talking about this, but I just thought that someone who studied medicine would be a little bit more open-minded (and that people change over the years, think for themselves, develop their own criteria.) Maybe I really should keep my big mouth shot.

Anyhow, that's where we're at. Taking the biggest leap of faith yet, believing science is God's (or the universe's) way of helping us and answering to our prayers and  choosing hope and joy, optimism and love.

39 comments:

  1. I can hardly believe she would say that to you. But she did, which is just proof that people are jerks sometimes.

    What a brave decision to have made. I am crossing my fingers so firmly that it works out for you.

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    1. Yes, I am not sure if she realized what she was saying, I was in total shock.

      Thanks so much for your wishes :)

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  2. It might not be appropriate but congratulations on making it this far! Your strength to continue on the conception journey shows how ready you are to handle any problem that can comes your way. I really want everything to work out for you and the boy. I think an open heart and mind towards your body and head will lay the foundation for a successful pregnancy. Good Luck!

    I'm going to say it, your friend is an asshole! We all have feelings especially on something as controversial as bringing a baby into the world/IVF but it your choice and not hers. I had a friend go through the IVF process and she joined a support group on Babygaga.com that was her rock during the process.

    Good luck on everything!

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    1. Thanks so much... and yes, I am with you, we are just being open for everything, letting go of the control. .

      Thanks for the lead, I will check babygaga. And yes, this girl just crossed a few lines, she can believe things for herself, she can decide what's not good for her, it is 100% respectable, but you can not simply pretend to be the owner of the absolute truth and try to force your opinion / views on other people. These decisions are not easy, and we thought really long about everything, and we are taking the risks. I guess some people are immature...

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    2. Hey Amanda! I was thinking of you and this post and wanted to wish you continued luck during the process. I hope you're still feeling confidence. I'm sending some mental baby dust your way!

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    3. Thank you so so much Alison :)

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  3. Part of this post makes me so angry and sad all at the same time! Grrrr!

    You, lady, are so very strong and awe-inspiring for doing all of this. I can honestly say I would not. I hope with all my heart you do better this time around. Anything I can do to help, let me know xxx

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    1. Thanks so much. I never thought we would be able to go this far, all of this scared me. But at some point you just jump, you just do things, you take risks.

      Thanks for your support :)

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  4. Muchísima suerte Amanda en este nuevo camino, espero que os vaya muy bien. Tienes razón en que hay mucho estigma respecto a este tema, pero también creo que muchas veces la gente no sabe qué decir por miedo a decir lo "incorrecto" / herir sentimientos. Un abrazo a los dos.

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    1. Muchas gracias Ainhoa :) Sí, el tema es difícil, a veces sólo el hecho de compartirlo, de poder hablarlo hace toda la diferencia.

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  5. Don't ever keep you big mouth shut! You can inspire so many people with your strength, openess and honesty. I hope you and your husband's wishes will come true this time!

    xx

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    1. Thanks so much dear Louise :) I am a talker anyway... so I think I will keep on sharing stuff.

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    2. I hope you do, sometimes especially in hard times, it can be hard to stay true to yourself :)

      xx

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  6. I don't think it's stupid of you at all for wanting to talk about this in part because it isn't something we talk about in polite society. And the lecturing! As though people just bounce into IVF la-de-da without every possible angle having been looked and pained over. :(

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    1. Yes, the assumption that we did not think it over, studied the process, research what we were getting into. Or like we are doing it for fun or for the sake of it.
      And talking about it in polite society is something we should do, to raise awareness, sometimes all you need is a hug or to be listened... then it wouldn't feel so isolating.

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  7. It's so exciting that there are new and hopeful opportunities on the horizon here, and that the medical professionals giving you two a hand with everything sound so enthusiastic about your chances.

    What your doctor friend said just boggles my mind. I do get that everyone has their own feelings about morality and the world ... but really? To say that implies that she thinks you're either thoughtless or uneducated about what you're doing with your body and the choices you're making. Even if she disagrees with you, would it have been so hard to at least make some supportive noises about the struggle to get to this point? It also makes me wonder what she would say to patients in her practice.

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    1. Yeah, we are so so excited that there are treatmentas to be tried, and that at least for now, we can have access to them. We feel so blessed / lucky / grateful that there is such a system in place. Healthacare should be universal... not only for this, but in general, life is so fragile, you really never know what may happen.

      I was so shocked about the things she said. You can have your own beliefs, you can decide that x, y, z are not things that you would do and that is respectable, but to try to impose your views on others, to claim you own the truth... I am not even sure she realized she was not exactly being sensitive, and yes, I wonder how she acts with patients.

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  8. You are not stupid at all for talking about this! Please don't ever think that again. You are such a strong woman, Amanda. Making it this far and being brave enough to talk about such a difficult topic says a lot about your character. I feel sorry for your "friend" and her inability to support you, the good news is that you have an army of people behind you, cheering you on every step of the way!

    I'm very hopeful for you guys and will continue to pray for you!

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    1. Thank you so much Tania :) This means a lot!

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  9. I can't believe your friend said all those things to you! Personal belief is one thing, but judging others is something else entirely. Especially since you opened up to her like that. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but please know that many of us are keeping you in our thoughts and wishing you nothing but good luck.

    Sending you lots of hugs and strength to get through this process.

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    1. Thanks so so much Anna :) It really means more than I can put into words.

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  10. Wishing you enormous good luck this cycle, it sounds as though you're in really good hands!

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    1. Thanks so much. And yes, I just came back from a check (follicle growth) and not only are they very good at it (they find the structures very fast and seemingly easy), but there is this whole human touch to it. It makes the whole difference.

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  11. I cannot believe that your 'friend' said those things! You know this already, but I am thinking of you and wishing and hoping and praying that you will only need to do this once. I am glad that you've found a good clinic, I love my dr and feeling like you can trust those who hold your hopes and dreams in their hands is so important xx

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    1. Thank you so so much Donna. I think of you often, too. And you are so right, the kind treatment, the understanding is very important. At the hospital it's not that they were not kind, and they were professional, but, we always had 15-20 min. slots, and because of the way they work you always got a different doctor (out of the 6-8 that work in the team), sometimes it felt like the continuity was lost, but they were doing their best that is for sure.

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  12. Qué pesada y poco profesional tu amiga, Amanda. Porque especialmente siendo médico debería saber que está ahi para apoyar y ayudar a la gente, no para juzgar.

    Y no te calles, que hablando es la manera de deshacerse de los prejuicios, creo yo. Más bien, gracias por compartir tu historia.

    Les deseo lo mejor, que esta lucha se termine pronto.

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    1. Sí, yo no lo entiendo. No lo entiendo precisamente porque es médico. Y bueno eramos muy buenas amigas en 5o y 6o de primaria y luego perdmios todo contacto, tal vez nos vimos una o dos veces durante secundaria / prepa. Es raro, porque algunas amistades se conservan (a pesar de tiempo y distancia) y otras no.

      Gracias por el apoyo y los buenos deseos.

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  13. :( I'm so sorry this person judged you like that!! You are brave for doing all this and I really hope everything works out perfectly!! Crossing my fingers for you!! xoxoxo

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    1. Thanks so so much :) All the fingers crossed have an effect, I hope, wish and believe!

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  14. I am so so so excited for you!! Screw stupid ignorant people, because you have worked (and are working) sooo hard for this baby and now I truly feel you are in a good situation to get the medical care you need. Yay!!

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    1. Thanks so much Lauren. We really feel in good hands, and we are very very excited.

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  15. Wow, how terrible of that Dr. to say that! I actually can't believe that those kind of comments can come from a medical professional. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I think it's great that you try to talk about IVF/infertility to anyone who will listen. I am the same way. Infertility is nothing to be ashamed about, and the more open we are about it the more people will begin to see it as something unfortunate, but not embaressing.

    I am excited to follow the rest of your journey. suerte :)

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    1. Yes, I could not believe this was coming from someone who spent more than 5 years in medical school.
      But well, not listening to them, just shocked that opinions like that actually exist.
      And yes, let's break the taboo / stigma associated with this.
      Thanks so much.

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  16. Ok, lots of reactions here. First of all, I am really glad that your new clinic continues to live up to itself. It sounds really great. I'm excited for you to move on to the next step (even though I wish you didn't have to) and am really hopeful for you. Sending you tons of luck and hope.

    Secondly, what the hell was that woman thinking? What kind of doctor could she possibly be??? Makes me furious.

    Third, that is a TON of needles! Good luck, girl.

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    1. Thanks so so much for the luck and hope, we can take all of it :)

      And yeah, I was also pretty shocked that someone who thinks like that is out there practicing medicine. Where is the compassion? Anyone's entitled to their own beliefs, but trying to impose them on others or shame them, is really not the way to go.

      We are almost done with the needles I hope. 3 or 4 more injections in the next few days and it will be all set (for the egg retrieval). Still praying that everything will go well.

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  17. Oh, sweet lady, I am praying for you both as you take this next step. Lots of love to you xxx

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    1. Thank you so much Fiona, we need all the prayers :) The embryo transfer was today, we are very hopeful...

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    1. Thanks so so much. And the same to you. Praying and hoping and sending you all the good wishes.

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