but I didn't expect it to be this hard.
So, this is some kind of letter to the void.
Or maybe someone can offer some insight?
It has been two years since I am in this country. Two years in which I have been repeatedly looking for a job, and if I get one more rejection letter I think I will collapse. Already writing those motivation letters makes me feel a bit sick. In the meantime I haven´t been sitting at home doing nothing. The first summer I spent here, I did an internship at a small animal clinic. I was happy. I learnt a lot, and I was only excited to realize that I have to learn even more. It became clear that I would need to master the language (this I knew, but it just became evident).
After this first two month internship, I went on to a second internship for a big animal nutrition company. I spent six months living in a farm and I loved it. I had to babysit cows giving birth, take samples on the days prior and after parturition and generally be in the barn which I love. I was also involved in other projects, for instance one that dealt with what kind of tastes cows like better.
It was a good experience, and I wonder if I should have stayed, but the major downside was that it was quite far from the boy and we would only see each other on the weekends (this after being "long-distance" for a year and a half). We were dying to be together. If you see a map of The Netherlands, I was in the South East, very close to the border with Germany, and we are now on the opposite side of the country.
I had also been waiting for a certain dutch course to start at the university, that would finally allow me to improve my language skills. And so after my appointed 6 months at the farm, I came to live with the boy. I started my language course, and I briefly worked as a volunteer at a small animal clinic again. During these period I had been applying to jobs at clinics, with no luck. So when the opportunity came to work at an international company, in a call-center environment I took it. I stayed there for about 9 months. We were planning our wedding, I was still looking for jobs every day (haven't stopped) and applying all the time, but we realized that I needed more experience to be competitive.
And so I stopped and I started another internship, this time at a laboratory at the Veterinary faculty doing research. The reasoning for this was that since getting a job as a vet was so hard I might as well try in research, since I also have a Biology degree. As is the situation in all medical professions, there are more doctors than needed, even when there are strict
numerus fixus policies in place. The other day we read that for 1 vet that retires, there are 16 young vets waiting or so. So That is where I am now. I have applied to many PhD positions, I have applied within the biomedical, food and pharmaceutical industries. I have applied to clinics, I have applied to technician positions, I have applied to advocacy positions in medical related NGO's and to communication positions in Biological related organizations. None of the above has worked.
I speak fluently 4 languages, and I understand quite a lot of some others. I have lived in different countries. I have 2 university degrees, from European universities. None of this seems too matter. Sure the positions that would be more "suitable" for me are in the East of the country, where the agricultural activities are concentrated, but it is too far too commute every day. I dream of specializing in Epidemiology/Infectious Disease/Public Health and working within government or international institutions. But I also love the clinic. I am open to the possibilities. What has become clear is that in research, they prefer people who have precisely studied biochemistry or molecular biology (even if I studied all the concepts and am familiar with the techniques). The clinical veterinarian market seems to be oversaturated, we read that even paraveterinarians have trouble finding jobs and internships.
I really do not understand why my profile is not adequate for the industries I have applied to, since they train you anyway, and the knowledge that you require and apply is very basic. And for technical positions, well, they prefer to hire technicians. I have even been rejected for being overqualified, which makes me wonder if getting a PhD would make things even worse, but that's a whole other subject. We have looked "out of the box" too, for example teaching at international schools. But it turns out (and I understand) that for teaching you need a degree on top of the university degree on your field of study. Same goes for working at a daycare. All the positions at the Zoo in the Education department are volunteer-based. I have obviously thought of going back to school, but at this moment of our lives it would be spending money and I want to be able to contribute to our household, plus, sometime soon, we would like to start a family. The few recruitment agencies specialized in internationally educated people only have openings for marketing and financial related positions, or IT. In the meantime I haven´t stopped taking Dutch classes. I just finished the "advanced" course, and I am starting the next level in September.The language is so hard, that I feel my level is still kind of basic, but I am slowly getting better.
So we are hanging in there, the boy has been very supportive all along, but some days are just too hard. I feel worthless, hopeless, useless. I feel destroyed inside. I feel like I wasted my time for... 9 years at the university, for nothing. I feel like everyone is better, because SOMEONE is getting all those jobs I am applying for. I always thought we should fight for what we want. I was taught that if you do what you love, if you do your best, the opportunities will come, that it was possible to love your job, to do what you like, that you should not limit your dreams. Maybe I am living in fantasy-land. Maybe it is stupid to keep hoping to work in my field of study.
When do I fix a deadline? Until when should I wait? When do I go on and take some office job, unrelated to anything I ever dreamt or wanted. I wish I had a magic ball, I wish I could see the future, I wish someone would tell me when or how this will end. I wish I could know that if I wait long enough I will get there. Or that no matter how long I wait, it won't happen. I do not mind working a "different" job, though there is a part of me that feels it would kill my soul, and I feel like I am dying a bit already. What also scares me of taking an unrelated job, is that that would mean less experience in my field. It feels like if I do that I would be doomed for my whole (professional) life. But this is real life. This is growing up right?
Any thoughts?
