Woman fail? Choices?

 I am part of a generation that grew up being told that “women can do anything they set themselves up to”. This is the generation that could finally enjoy the fruits (voting, an education, birth control…) of years of struggling and fighting that started with our grandmothers, if not earlier. From grades 5 through 9, I went to an all-girls hardcore catholic school where we were led into believing that we were going to be “agents of change”, that it was our calling to make a difference in the world. We had classes and conferences by empowering role-models, successful, worldly ladies, explaining how women, by their own psychological complexion were ideal candidates to reach the very top of all kinds of businesses and professional roles, as values such as compassion, empathy, connection and our innate ability to communicate were natural to us girls. At the same time we received parallel messages telling us of our important role in the home, how we were meant to be the pillars of our families, how a feminine touch (like leaving flowers by your husbands’ workplace or knowing how to cook a perfect meal, complete with sauce hollandaise) could make the difference in a bad day. How we were to be the rock of our husbands and families. They went on to explain that all of these things were our duty along with other things like managing the household’s budget frugally and efficiently, and yes, emphasizing how our main and most important mission along with all of the above was to procreate and take care of all the children that would be sent to us (those were the words they used!!!). 

Trying to succeed at all of those spheres at the same time sounded contradictory. We might be super girls, smart and funny, tough yet romantic, but I have not yet discovered my own superpowers.  I cannot be in two places at the same time and I certainly don’t have any control over my crazy hormones. There are so many cultural messages, coming from media, literature, our education, telling us what we are supposed to do. If you take a dip in Art history, starting with the earliest civilizations, one of the first pieces that you study are Venus statues. Those big stone women with a huge belly and big breasts, the earliest dating back to 35,000 – 40,000 years ago, were already telling us that our uttermost important role was (and is?) to bring new humans to the planet.  From them on, the role of women in society has very slowly changed, but has, overall been limited to the backstage scenes. Through high-school and university I really enjoyed reading “The Second Sex” by Simone de Beauvoir. Her in depth study about the female condition along time and history is so clear and straight forward that I formed my own ideas and ended up convinced that yes, against all odds, us girls were ready to join Pinky and the Brain and take over the World. 

So what does being a woman mean in 2013? Apparently it means that we can finally “have it all”. When I hear such claims I can only laugh. And when I see women discussing these issues  and tearing each other down because apparently whatever you do it will be wrong,  I can only conclude that we haven’t quite figured it out just yet. It is so sad, this fight between "women”: it seems that whatever choices are made someone will come to tell you how you are not doing it right. And one can only assume that we are all intelligent beings, making the best choices that we can, with the resources, possibilities and information that we have in our hands. We are all just trying to make our best. 

As I go through life being unemployed regardless of the fact that I have two scientific degrees, while, at the same time I struggle with what the medical community refers to as infertility (though I refuse to use that term), I think of my junior-high school days and wonder what I did wrong, and when. If I am to judge myself according to the standards I was taught I am clearly failing in all womanly spheres at the same time. 

And then I read the news and it breaks my heart (not to mention enrages me) to learn that little girls are sometimes not even allowed to be born, and when they are, they are mutilated, they are  forced to work, forced into arranged marriages, are not allowed to study or pursue their dreams, cannot be independent or get positions of power.

It is international woman’s day and I think there is still a fight to be had. We have to fight so that every girl and woman gets the choice to live the life she wants. We have to change the structures in society to ensure that professional success and a family can finally be compatible. And among us girls that have been lucky/blessed enough to enjoy such luxuries as an education, the right to work and develop careers, the choice to have children (or not) to stay at home (or not), to go and work in the world (or to do so from the living room, while dressed in pajamas), to be scientists, lawyers, politicians, doctors, writers, to make a difference… so much kindness is needed. I seriously wish we would just start being nicer to each other, we would stop the judgments, because the beauty of feminism, is that we can *choose* who we want to be.  This fight is not over and we should make it possible for every woman and girl in the planet to be able to make these choices for herself. 

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It's International Women's Day. Over at 'Any Other Woman', there will be a day long extravaganza of posts, where many of us will share views and stories (or art, poems, photos) on what it means to be a Woman, today, in 2013. Head over there, I am sure there will be wisdom galore.

Images via here ,  here and here. 

Treasure finds from Paris

 I had been wanting to get a certain book called "Women who read are dangerous" for quite a while, but since it was first printed in 2005 I was having trouble getting a hardcover that was not super expensive. Imagine my excitement when I serendipitously found it at a museum boutique while I waited for my friends. For some reason I did not get it at the moment, but I kept thinking about it and we ended up going back for it the next day.

 Smiling at security guards and explaining your story is the way to skipping through long lines. I am so happy with it. It really is an interesting and beautiful book, illustrating through art history from the medieval times to contemporary paintings the role of the simple act of reading in women's lives over time... giving them access to worlds that were otherwise forbidden to them, subverting the status quo, breaking conventions.

While walking through the small streets of Paris I was able to find a small vintage suitcase for the boy, with which he intends to try a DIY project. It was a great find, since we had been looking for one at flea markets and second hand shops, to no avail.
I also just finished reading a biography of Leonora Carrington. Her life was so amazing, a rebel at heart who fought for her right to be an artist, communicated with animals from an early age and showed us magical worlds to which she seemed to have access. During World War II she stood up against fascism, risked her life at it, was confined to a psychriatic institution, endured painful "treatment" and emerged stronger, finally settling in Mexico where she led a full life, being interested in alchemy, the occult, the ideas of C. Jung and a close friend of other artists such as painter Remedios Varo and photographer Kati Horna.

Via here

APW Book club: How to be a woman

This weekend I was in  Antwerp for the Benelux APW book club meetup . It was Fiona and me. We went for lunch to Le Pain Quotidien (again) , it has to  my favorite place for lunch and breakfast. You know, organic everything and delicious bread, tartines cakes, quiches, meringue, homemade jam and all kind of oven delicious things , anyway I digress.

 About the book:
1- What we found the most relevant was how the book is inciting women to reclaim the word feminism and fight for it again. As in this fragment:

"We need to reclaim the word 'feminism.' We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29 percent of American women would describe themselves as feminists—and only 42 precent of British women—I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue,' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF SURVEY?"

We discussed, how in my case, having a mexican background, I am guilty. I was until recently scared to align myself as a feminist because of fear of all those negative connotations associated with the word. Even though of course I was clearly spoiled with all the benefits of feminism and probably took all those things for granted. Sure I was always interested in reading about girls in history, Simone de Beauvoire, etc, but I would not say it out loud. Fiona is an anthropologist and she even had the chance to take classes on gender during her studies, so she would always consider herself one, though it was still a shock to see those figures, mentioned in the book. All this is probably better summarized in her discussions with Lady Gaga:

"We had concluded that it was odd most women shy away from declaring feminists , because it really doesn't mean man-hating". "I am a feminist because I believe in woman's rights and protecting who we are , down to the core" .

And then this :

"... It doesn't need to be a `man vs woman´ thing. It's just a tiff between The Guys. Seeing the whole world as 'The Guys' is important. The idea that we're all, at the end of the day, just a bunch of well meaning schlumps, trying to get along, is the basic alpha and omega of my world view. I'm neither 'pro-women' nor 'anti-men'. I'm just 'Thumbs up for the six billion'. Because I don't think that 'men'/maleness/male sexuality is the problem here. I don't think sexism is a 'man vs woman' thing."

2 -We also talked about how to balance a career with a family , when the kids come. We talked about how society has changed, how it is in a way a "western" problem since in other societies or in previous generations the community or tribes or extended family help with the care of kids. We discussed how there is a whole spectrum of possible solutions, if one of the partners can work from home, or part time, or take some days off a week, and of course, how if your close family is near, then that can make a big difference. We also shortly talked about the article "All the single ladies" by Kate Bolick that I read thanks to Zan who talks about it here.
 
"Ladies!, Being a woman is ... very, very, very expensive. Tampons, hairdressers, childcare, beauty aids, women's shoes being three times more costly than men's - the combination of the things we need (Lil-lets) combined with the things we feel naked without (proper haircut) is already ruinous. And that's before we factor in both women earning 30 per cent less than men and being the ones who usually have to watch their career go all -titanic when the question of  'Who will look after the kids?' raises its head. "

3- And then, well we talked about how funny the book is, how it had us laughing all the way, specially the parts about getting a bra that fits properly and how it can change your life haha and about how her whole experience with high heels reflects ours (I find them pretty but I can not really walk graciously no matter how hard I try).

"I've spent my whole life in trainers, or boots but it's very clear that if I am to properly make a go of my twenties, I will just have to go out and get some heels. The women's magazines I read are all unequivocal about heels:they are a non-negotiable part of being a woman, along with the potential to lactate and the XX chromosome. Women are supposed to adore heels more than they adore their own bodies or thoughts. They're also supposed to have a great many more shoes than body or thoughts. Unlike your thoughts of revolution, you just can't have too many shoes. .... Ladies I'm going to say what I have gradually realised and what we all secretly knew anyway the first time we put heels on: that there's only ten people in the world, tops, who should actually wear heels. And six of those are drag queens. The rest  of us need to... give up. Surrender. Finally acquiesce to what nature is telling us. We can't walk in them. We might just as well be stepping out in anti-gravity boots... "

And well... I guessed we talked more...about more subjects, like weddings, and boys, and pop culture,  and the fantasy world in every girl's head.  Much in the same way that Amelie imagines all those possible scenarios happening to the boy of her dreams. Mostly it was great to meet another APW girl live and in person , and well, Antwerp is a really nice city :)

Post edit: If you want more, you can read the whole online discussion of the book at A practical wedding here. And if you want a sneak peak of the book club meetings all over the world, and snippets of the conversation go here. Finally, here is a post that really strung my cords, about combining career aspirations with actually enjoying being a homemaker and, new term, homeworking. Or in Meg's words: "about a complex internal battle: wanting to stay home and be her family's primary care giver, but also feeling a responsibility to go out and do things in the world."

Serendipity

 is one of my favorite words. As you know, it means finding things by chance. Much like Horacio and La Maga did in my favorite book:

"Andábamos sin buscarnos pero sabiendo que andábamos para encontrarnos." 
(We did not go around looking for each other, but we knew that we would meet just the same).*

 The word Serendipity was first used as a word in the English language:

<< In a letter to Horace Mann (dated January 28^th 1754) where he said he formed it from the Persian fairy tale The Three Princes of Serendip, whose heroes "were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things they were not in quest of". The name stems from Serendip, an old name for Ceylon (modern Sri Lanka), from Arabic Sarandib, from Sanskrit Simhaladvipa which literally translates to "Dwelling-Place-of-Lions Island">> **

Well you know how I wrote about loving our bodies the way they are, about accepting their curviness yesterday? It turns out, and I swear I had no idea, that yesterday was "Love your Body" day and as part of it Say it Sister is hosting a series of posts as part of the "Love your day blog carnival". They do this as part of the celebration by the National Organization for Women Foundation, to have:

"-- a day when women of all sizes, colors, ages and abilities come together to celebrate self-acceptance and to promote positive body image. Since the launch of Love Your Body Day in 1998, NOW Foundation has used the campaign to challenge the unrealistic beauty standards and gender stereotypes promoted by the media, Hollywood and the fashion, cosmetics and diet industries."

I found out about it via Robin, who wrote for it. So go have a read, I think it is worth it. 

 *Hopscotch, Julio Cortazar, translation by Pantheon writers. (Oh translations, the words in Spanish don't say quite exactly the same). 
** Serendipity, according to the wikipedia

Girls are meant to be curvy....

and that's ok. Perhaps we should be celebrating that. Before I start writing this, for full disclosure I will cite Robin:

 "This is a post that is going to talk about weight, specifically me worrying about my weight and body size even though I am a thin person. So you might not want to read this if you struggle with disordered eating or body image problems or even if weight talk just makes your eyes roll."

 This post is part of the 2011 Love Your Body Day Blog Carnival

 I just started reading this book (thanks to Marcela, who recommended it to me a short while ago), and I am so thankful I laid my hands  on it. Already on page 9 it knocked me right off my socks. You see, I am a healthy eater. I love food. I try to eat a balanced diet. But still, and I don't know if it is a girl thing, I am guilty of obsessing about my weight and about my rounded girly forms. Yes, I am a slender person. But I also have hips, a bum and well proportioned legs.

 I am lucky enough that even when as a teenager I would feel self conscious because my legs were not as thin as most of the other girls' in junior high school were, my parents would always compliment me on my legs, say they were nice, and so I grew up to learn to love them. Thing is, I am quite certain that with age come changes in metabolism, and in body form. When I was 19 I weighed around 8 kg less than I do now, and the first big weight change came a year after I started university. I am pretty sure this shift can be attributed to the fact that I was living by myself for the first time in my life. I was in charge of cooking and taking care of my diet and that involved lots of pasta, cereal, cookies and ice-cream eaten directly from the 1 L pots that my friends and I would just eat while studying. Yeah, we also ate salads, but I am guessing not enough. Those first 2 years I put on some 12 kg (!!!) and I was at my heaviest.

 In the meantime, without any real plan I lost some of that weight, but I had been obsessing about losing these 4 kg that just won't go away, that are maybe part of me, but that I didn't want to acknowledge because they didn't use to be there in the first place, you know, when I was 17. And yes, also about that muffin top that you can see when I am wearing bad jeans or a bikini. I don't know if all of this has to do with the images that the media constantly bombards us with, that end up creeping in into the minds of girls, but I don't like the blame game. I think this thing we do of "feeling" fat comes with periods, menstrual cramps, swelling, and the general bloaedtness of  those days. And so I wanted to lose those 4 kg, in order to lower my Body Mass Index back to 18.5, to force myself to be healthy, but in the limit of thin.  Yes, crazy, idiotic me. (Not that I was actually doing anything about it, because I am super lazy when it comes to exercise and I am conscious enough to not stop eating).  Anyway, back to page 9 of the book:

"As a result of extensive research, fertility expert and Harvard professor Rose Frisch maintains that only 10 percent of women are fertile with a body mass index of 18. She says: 'Many women who maintain body shape made popular on the catwalks throughout the world are completely infertile '. Even if you are underweight and still have periods, your diet can affect your fertility. This is because your body needs a sufficient intake of fat (albeit the right kind) to produce the hormones required for ovulation". 

Do you realize? That means that 90 % of girls with a BMI of 18, which is supposed to be healthy, who are having regular periods could be sub-fertile. Wow. Yay for the "happy weight". I don't want to lose the extra kg. anymore. I should have known better. But IT has to stop. The pressure on girls to be thin. To believe that if you don't look like Kate Moss you are not as pretty, as valuable, worth it. And I thought I was smarter than all of that. With my silly "I want to be as thin as possible within the healthy standard" reasoning I fell right into that trap. The cultural messages have to change. Girls have to learn, to be taught to embrace their naturally curvy bodies, because they are like that for a reason. For a good, healthy reason. If you want to read more about the subject here is an article about Dr. Frisch (mentioned above) or you can read what these smart girls have written on the subject: Robin, and Lauren. It is up to us girls to break and fight these damaging, toxic stereotypes that drive us crazy for no good reason.

What I'm reading.

 Yes, yes, I know, this is the book that is currently been read for the APW book club. Are you reading it yet? Are you coming to discuss it? Thing is, I started reading this book even before Meg suggested it. Other girls have talked about the book and I was very curious about it, if also a bit scared. First of all, and where I first heard about this book, there was the inspiring Cate Subrosa. But then came an avalanche. Kirsty was talking about reading it for the Blook(Bloggers + books) Club , and that's how I got to Conversation Pieces (and wished I was in the UK to participate). And well,all these girls I admire talking about this book confirmed it really must be worth a read.
Of course I thank feminism. If only because it gave us girls the chance to study, to vote, to have an opinion, to stop being considered as "the skin of the devil" (yes, the Middle Ages were one dark period). But from that to being an active feminist... I have to say you can blame me for taking things for granted, for being spoiled by all the fight that was done before me. Sure, I read the 2 tomes of "The Second Sex" (Le deuxième sexe) by Simone de Beauvoir, in french, when I was 22. And I loved it. But I also made the mistake of associating feminism with silly prejudices. When it comes to prejudices, we should be wary, I think even more when it comes to our own. Better to break them. And so I was afraid of saying out loud that I was a feminist, because of associations to bitter, angry women, burning bras, hating men, and pretending that we are better than them. Treating those with the Y chromosome as THE enemy. And as the cause of all of us girls' troubles. See, I don't believe any of that. So, I gave Caitlin Moran a chance, after all she was supposed to be funny,  and boy was I surprised. Reading her put me right in my place, it made me realize that of course, those assumptions of mine were stupid, and that there is,obviously, still a fight to be fought and it is up to us to fight it. Take this for instance:

"... It doesn't need to be a `man vs woman´ thing. It's just a tiff between The Guys. Seeing the whole world as 'The Guys' is important. The idea that we're all, at the end of the day, just a bunch of well meaning schlumps, trying to get along, is the basic alpha and omega of my world view. I'm neither 'pro-women' nor 'anti-men'. I'm just 'Thumbs up for the six billion'. Because I don't think that 'men'/maleness/male sexuality is the problem here. I don't think sexism is a 'man vs woman' thing." 

And then this:

"Ladies!, Being a woman is ... very, very, very expensive. Tampons, hairdressers, childcare, beauty aids, women's shoes being three times more costly than men's - the combination of the things we need (Lil-lets) combined with the things we feel naked without (proper haircut) is already ruinous. And that's before we factor in both women earning 30 per cent less than men and being the ones who usually have to watch their career go all -titanic when the question of  'Who will look after the kids?' raises its head. "

So yes, read it. And it's true, it's hilarious, and you will not be able to put the book down. I only wish I was british (oh I am) I had grown up in the UK, because as funny as she is, half the jokes I don't get because of the cultural context. Anyway, whether you read APW or not, if you would like to get together for this book club, let me know.

Learning to be nice to myself.

A while ago I wrote about how hard the job hunting has been on me. As in, making me doubt myself, or saying nasty things like I'm a waste or a social parasite. Some days the situation gives me actual physical pain (in the stomach, in the throat, in the head) and constantly thinking about it is messing up with my mental health. I am not a crazy person. I am not a crazy person. I am not a crazy person. It reached a point where I would throw stuff (my phone at the car) and cry and feel helpless and obsess about all kinds of little unimportant things like books not fitting in a bookshelf.

And don't get me wrong. I am quite happy. And I realize that we are very lucky and blessed in all kinds of different ways. Zan wrote about this a bit here. About the process of " being content with your small corner of the universe and your tiny slice of life" and about the big plans for the future. Then of course there was Adrienne, the lovely wedding graduate from 1969 (those were the days), and her ever wise words: "It is your attitude and expectations.  Resolve to be content."

Some days I feel like Joan, Julia Stile's character at the end of Mona Lisa smile when she has that final talk with their professor (Julia Roberts). Because yes, I chose to be in this situation.
And as much as I thank feminism for giving us girls the right to study, to dream wild dreams, make them come true and fly high, in real life it is not quite so easy. I can't help feeling a tiny pang of envy when I see classmates going on internships at places like the Wildlife Conservation Society/Bronx zoo. Or I see opportunities to learn and make a change in India. Or, without even going so far away, there is a seal nursery and rehabilitation center in the north of the country, or some interesting job opportunites at animal health institutions all the way in the east of the country (not that I actually have any idea if they would even call me for an interview. I feel like I am walking in the dark in a forest full of monsters). But commuting for 6 to 8 hours a day is not an option for us. And now that we are married, being long distance (again, after having done it for 2 years) just seems unconceivable. So I am actively making these choices.

Image via here

Remember the day I was all confused with fashion in the office because I had an interview? Well, I got the job and I am starting next Monday. It is a simple office job, but at least we will be able to save and hopefully it will also distract me enough and give me some peace of mind. My brain up there needs to stop making theories. It broke my heart a bit to stop at the laboratory where I was working, and it makes me wonder if this is not a bad decision, since I am straying away from my field. It has become clear that I probably need to do a Master to be competitive in the job market. I am under the impression that having a dutch diploma would actually help a lot. Not that it would actually guarantee anything, there seem to be lots of highly educated people in this same horrible situation. But what I want the most right now is to STOP looking for jobs every day. Stop going through the process of writing letters and then waiting and then getting the bad news. It is slowly destroying me inside, and I can not let this go any further because I must be stronger than this. And so I decided I will give myself a break, I will not even look for openings anymore, for a month or two and see if it helps me calm down. I have to tell myself that this is not giving up, but just giving myself some needed mental rest. Of course there is a part of me saying but what if I miss THE opportunity of my life during this time. Anyway I am also going into this new job because if I really am going to start graduate school, I am going to need to somehow pay for it and this would make it possible. To think that this is just a necessary step to get where I want to gives sense to things. So I am writing this here to remind me of all these things.

Ever since I saw the movie Outbreak (thanks Dustin Hoffman) I wanted to be an epidemiologist and if I can not be a clinical vet or work in research (because apparently as hard as I try I don't have control over the situation or the minds of the recruiters), then I would like to go in that direction.
In the meantime I will resolve to be content. I will enjoy, like I always do, the time with the boy. Our walks together, maybe short trips, dancing, being able to get flowers for cheap, cooking, baking, attempting to  learn photography, focusing on improving my dutch skills, playing with  our little neighbors...