Sunday, February 28, 2016

Wishful thinking


 I have been thinking a lot about whether or not to write about this. It makes me feel selfish and guilty and ungrateful. But I can't  be the only one going through this and I am putting it out there because we should be able to talk about the things that no one dares or wants to talk about. Not at baby groups, not at birthday parties, not with other moms, or even with friends. You never know what other people might be going through, it is so difficult to share without accidentally hurting someone. 

We would like to have another baby. I am longing so, so hard to be pregnant again. It is becoming  very difficult to bear, so much it hurts. Scenario number 1: we go to a kids' party and I can't help but notice all the moms with kids Y.'s age are either pregnant or already have a second little one. This also applies to most of the people we know who had a baby at about the same time or even after we did.  Scenario number 2: we go for a stroll to the dunes/woods/the park/a playground and stumble upon plenty of families with more than 1 kid, with an age difference that does not seem higher than 2 years. Scenario number 3: people start discussing post-baby birth-control methods at a Facebook's mom group and suddenly we are not talking about birth control at all. I find myself reading stories about how someone knows at least 5 people who got pregnant while using an IUD and how somebody else's best friend got pregnant while her husband had already had a vasectomy (!!). It is impossible not to feel alienated in face of such an "innocent" conversation, where women are just sharing their experiences about accidentally getting pregnant while trying hard to avoid it. Ah, but you are not like those women. In fact it never occurred to us to even use any form of birth control (other than condoms, for the first 6 months, to allow healing) since the baby was born. We night weaned the baby, we have been tracking my ovulation, and know it is happening, and yet nothing.  We hear of surprise pregnancies and of people conceiving (seemingly) with ease (normal I guess, when there are many parents in our social circle) and I can't help but feeling like an outcast, with no one to talk about it.

We are back where we started, facing again that old witch, infertility. The bitch. She did not really go away. And yet we know we have been blessed. Oh, how much. Even as I write this I feel like I should not be having these feelings at all because our miracle was granted. I am grateful every single day and I feel almost bad, greedy for dreaming of more. And yet we pray and hope and continue to delude ourselves into thinking that it might just happen

11 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know I would definitely feel the same way if I were in your shoes. It's so painful to want to grow your family and not be able to, regarless of if it's your first, second or even third. I really hope your wish comes true soon... are you guys thinking of going back for treatment? We did, because a natural conception is just so out of the cards for us.

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    1. Thank you ! And yes, we are pretty much ready for treatment
      (the fridge is full of medicine already), we are going to do it after a holiday in Mexico. I heard so many stories of magic babies / pregnancies that happened after IVF that I was hoping that would be us.

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  2. With my husband's diagnosis (CBAVD), IVF with ICSI was and is our only way to conceive. I remember fighting so hard and all the emotions of trying for my son, who is now 2.5. I remember the joy we experienced once he was here and I remember the pain of wanting to try just one more time. It's terribly hard when there are so many stories of easy conceptions. We knew that we had to face a $13,000 bill just for a chance. We took the leap this past summer and, surprisingly, found it an easier process than the first go-round. I wanted another child, but knew that we'd be OK even if the test at the end turned up negative. I could go to my grave with no regrets.

    It did work, by the way, and little brother will be here in about two months. Please don't give up hope. Please do whatever it takes for you to sleep at night. It is not a flaw to want a second child, even if it took a lot to get the first. You're not only allowed one miracle.

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    1. Oh Melanie, first of all congratulations! I hope you are feeling well.
      Thanks for your words, it means a lot. Yulia was also an ICSI baby and though our diagnosis was not clear (unexplained IF) there were indications of male factor, so I think yes we might need treatment again and we are almost ready to go there.

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  3. So many hugs. I know this feeling well -- it can come out of nowhere, sometimes, the sudden pain and longing and anger at the way things are for no apparent reason. It's a daily struggle, particularly as Winnie gets closer and closer to 2. You are not alone.

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    1. Hugs Hayley, thanks so much for always being there (and you know that we are here for you as well).

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  4. It really sucks Amanda. You know what i have been through and it is just terrible. I understand and feel just as you do. There is absolutely nothing that people say that can help you feel better. A friend of mine actually sent me a photo of Jesus asking for a teddy bear and behind him a bigger teddy bear. As if that is why I went through want we went back in december. Another friend told me i was always the one who say everything happens for a purpose. As if i deserved what happened because i know there is a purpose in everything. God is so good but life just happens and for some reason its been twice for us. Ill be praying you get pregnant soon. We will start treatment as well hopefully without going through any bad experiences this time. But im seriously considering on giving up and just keep the one I have. We can talk anytime you like. As i told you on the last bday party we met, im not ready to talk openly like in public of what happen because it still hurts. Less but still hurts, but please my dear friend, dont keep it to yourself and write me on whatsapp or fb or we can arrange to meet somewhere private and just share our feelings. I do hope everything will be ok for both of us and Yu and M will have their siblings soon :*

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  5. It really sucks Amanda. You know what i have been through and it is just terrible. I understand and feel just as you do. There is absolutely nothing that people say that can help you feel better. A friend of mine actually sent me a photo of Jesus asking for a teddy bear and behind him a bigger teddy bear. As if that is why I went through want we went back in december. Another friend told me i was always the one who say everything happens for a purpose. As if i deserved what happened because i know there is a purpose in everything. God is so good but life just happens and for some reason its been twice for us. Ill be praying you get pregnant soon. We will start treatment as well hopefully without going through any bad experiences this time. But im seriously considering on giving up and just keep the one I have. We can talk anytime you like. As i told you on the last bday party we met, im not ready to talk openly like in public of what happen because it still hurts. Less but still hurts, but please my dear friend, dont keep it to yourself and write me on whatsapp or fb or we can arrange to meet somewhere private and just share our feelings. I do hope everything will be ok for both of us and Yu and M will have their siblings soon :*

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  6. Los tiempos cambian, pasé por aquí. Cambié a usar menos mi laptop y más la del trabajo y de repente, meses después, me doy cuenta de que parte importante de vida estaba esos links que visitaba casi a diario. Vi, que sólo hay cuatro entradas en tu blog este año, las mismas que en el mío. Extraño nuestras pláticas, siempre mejores en lo virtual que en la realidad. Les mandamos un gran abrazo y todo el cariño.

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