On becoming a mother

 It has been a year. A year that has been intense, magic, crazy, joyful, desperate and lonely at times. I have been wanting to write about the many ways in which motherhood has changed me in deep an intrinsic ways while I still managed to remain the same crazy, 5 year old at core that I am. Like a snake, shedding its scales, getting rid of the superficial, revealing the essential.

On those early, first days the most prevalent feeling was a fierce desire to protect our precious baby. I would (and will) stand in the way of anything and anyone that would attempt to harm her in any way.

When she was born, I remember a moment of having my life played out like a movie inside my head, realizing I had done lots of things, had many adventures, wanting to share it all with her. Books, movies, songs, places, trips.

Motherhood has given me a very clear cut grasp on the important stuff. Simple, mundane things that used to worry me do not worry me anymore. Other things, that I knew were awful before, have become a very vivid, real kind of painful. I can not bear to watch certain type of images in the news.

There is a certain ability to say no, an assertiveness that wasn't in me before. I don't care if I don't please everyone anymore, her interests come first and I will defend them no matter what. And I am no longer shy in certain situations, like the general opinion of the Dutch society on my accent when I speak, because what I have to say is more important.

Motherhood has made me understand every single little thing my parents have done and that understanding has made me aware and grateful.

Motherhood has made me efficient, even if at times it does not seem so. I spend my days busy, all the time. Running like the Red Queen, cooking,making sure little girl is entertained and stimulated, stuff is clean, everyone is fed and happy. All while still trying to find time for me, time to read, to relax a bit. It is difficult.

But it is the first time I have ever felt valued in a job, and I am sure what I am doing is trascendent. It is hard work, caring for little people. Only comparable to medical jobs, I'd say. Because at any moment the kid can decide to drink bleach or choke on a hook from the christmas tree she found laying on the floor. I always longed for this feeling when I was looking for a job.

Some days I think I am not cut for this, that I can't handle it. Days like today, where she is clingy, whiny and has been crying the whole day, no matter what I do to try and help her because she is (probably, you are always guessing with kids) in pain; there are a new couple of teeth coming, she has a pharyngitis and a cough that just won't completely go away since the beginning of December and just changes in intensity every week that passes.

And then there is the indescribable joy, the wonder. Those amazing moments when she laughs hard, when she looks at something new, when she discovers new abilities in her or finally masters a skill.

I like to believe motherhood has made me kinder and more patient, but those are the parts that I struggle the most with. When she is being difficult, I tend to lose my temper at the situation, I get frustrated at my own helplessness, at my being so clueless. I just want to be the baby and cry and please have someone make it all better.

It has only been a year, I have learnt so much, I have changed so much, I have remained the same.