Jumping into the unknown

My eyes are red from crying and I feel I have nothing left in me. I just found out that we are going to actually have to use those hormones that we  have been keeping in the fridge for a few weeks, hidden in the bottom drawer. I had been hoping that we would not need to go through this. A part of me really thought we could do it, that this month was the month where I would pee on a stick and see two lines. I had always wanted a Juno moment, and now it has been taken away from me. I called all forces in the Universe to make this happen for us. The religious, the scientific, the supernatural, the rational, the superstitious, the hippie-dippie. I made sure we ate all the good foods. I got vitamin C and Zinc tablets for the boy, Folic Acid for me. I bought sunflower seeds. I lit candles at every church I entered. I touched the weeping pillar at Haghia Sophia, the one that is supposed to heal you and grant you a miracle. I got an eye bracelet and a Holy Spirit (Lord and giver of life) pendant.

We do not have any risk factors, and ironically all the medical tests that can be done have come out basically perfect. We aced all the exams, and still we are here, standing, lost. I've been thinking positive thoughts all along, patiently waiting for our moment. I have meditated, we have "called" our baby, and yet, here I am, with a warm water bag in my belly and an appointment for after tomorrow. We are starting IUI and I am scared as can not be put in words. Scared and sad that this happened to us. I know deep down, that as much as I am afraid, it is a blessing that we are even able to do this, that our insurance will cover it. If this is the path that has been laid in front of us, that is where we'll go. I just hope we'll get through to the other side, and I just really, really hope it will work.