Grow

I have been meaning to write this post for months. My word for the year came to me early, I just knew what it was. It is already May and I haven't stopped running. But a time to pause and reflect is much needed. Last year my word (verb) was "to Marvel",  the year before that it was "Joy", and before that "Patience". This year my word is Grow.

There has been so much happening. I started January  happy and surprised with 4 cake assignments, one per weekend (well one of them was the one for Yu's birthday). Then we went to Mexico and I made a couple of cakes over there and another one when I just came back. Last weekend I had 3 cake orders for the same day.

I have a feeling that things are moving and changing this year, that I am evolving into something new, that slowly pieces of the puzzle that is life are starting to come together, by themselves.

There are challenges, the major one right now is weaning. I had originally planned to breastfeed baby Y. for 6 months so that I would be ready for our next round of  IVF soon after. Our breastfeeding start was not easy and by the time we hit 6 months we were so comfortable in our routine and she was growing so well that I postponed letting her go off the bewb until she could have cow milk. I have nothing against formula, I know it is a life and sanity saver in many, many cases and that there are many reasons, some simple, some complex to choose not to breastfeed. Sometimes it is not a choice. But, I was lucky that it was working really well for us, it was convenient, easy and pretty much free. And yes, I had my own personal boycott against the companies that make formula. It is silly, maybe, but I applied several times to work with them, I knew well I had the knowledge and expertise required for such positions and I was not even called for an interview. (That and the controversial ways these companies promote formula feeding in countries in development, where there is no access to clean water). So they were not getting our money if I could avoid it.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year, when we started the weaning process, we discovered that our kid would NOT take a bottle. After trying several nipples she takes them every now and then, mostly though she likes to play with them, she may drink 100 mL before bed time, but a bottle is not substituting me. We give her cheese and yoghurt, sometimes all-natural fruit milkshakes. During the day she is pretty much weaned, she does not ask for it anymore and since March I stopped offering as she is well into her solid food meals (I would still give it when she asked). Feeding her in public was getting difficult because she is so curious and distractable that she would not concentrate on eating and would much rather wave at strangers or play peekaboo with the swaddling blanket I used as a cover. So that part is going well, but, she is still waking up in the middle of the night and nothing but me, or more precisely, my bewbs, will make her settle down. We've read the theories, we know what we are supposed to do (either make her wait gradually longer and longer between feeds or reduce the amount of time she spends breastfeeding until it is not worth the wake up). It is not working and she will not tolerate being soothed by dad. She screams murder and we should probably be firmer, but I just can't handle her sad, helpless crying and I have a feeling neither can the neighborhood. In my gut I feel she is not ready, I kind of thought/hoped she would outgrow it and start sleeping longer and demanding less comfort from us but it does not seem to be happening any time soon. I get angry when I read about how babies are supposed to be able to self soothe (by 6 months none the less)*, about how rocking them, comforting them, breastfeeding them is all wrong and sleep be doomed forever if you do these things and why did you continue to do them when the book said it was time to stop. We have tried all kinds of things, like me sleeping in a different room so she can't smell me. She still wakes up.

 On the other hand, I am going to be 35 this June. That means I am going to reach the dreaded label of 'advanced maternal age' and our chances at being succesful for a second sibling statistically plummet. I am silly, delusional, hoping for that miracle pregnancy that happens to infertile couples once they had a first pregnancy. I know I should not count on it, but I am hopelessly optimistic and the “unexpectedly pregnant after infertility/adoption” thing is apparently not an urban legend. It does happen, even to Amanda's.  It is so hard, it feels so cruel to force-wean Yulia when she still appears to need me. But I don't want to be breastfeeding a 4, or 3 or 2 year old so we are going to have to do this if we want our family to grow, and I know this is absolutely not in our hands, and I feel greedy for wanting more when we have already been so blessed, but there it is, our deepest wish thrown out to the universe.

So that's where we're at. Late to this party, it is almost mid-year, but do you have any words, plans, projects, wishes for this year?

*that sounds to me like corporate productivity standards applied to infants. Baby should do this now, and should do that then, otherwise you are doing things wrong.