I haven't been reading much about 'the rules' or what babies are supposed to be doing or not doing at certain moments of development. Yes, my parent's got me 'The day-by-day baby book', because who am I kidding: I love guidelines, charts, and I have to know things. During pregnancy I read Pamela Druckerman's 'French children don't throw food', which I loved but that's about it. Mostly, we are following the advice from our pediatrician and baby physiotherapist. And I don't even want to look at online forums because people on the internet start screaming at each other pretty fast.
It used to be that baby Yu would sleep for 3 hours in a row (sometimes even more), waking up only to eat (and be changed). Our mornings used to be nice and calm and I knew that as soon as I finished breastfeeding, she would go to sleep, passed out on milk, with that cute look of drunken satisfaction that makes us smile so much. At least it used to be so for the best part of the day, before witching hour* starts sometime between 17:00 and 19:00, when she cries, and cries, and cries. And then she cries some more.
Well, lately her pattern has been changing. Sometimes even-though she's finished her meal; even-though she clearly does not want to eat anymore; even-though she is clean and she has burped, she won't sleep. I can put her down on her crib, tell her soothing words like: "baby, now it's your time to sleep", sing lullabies, play white noise, pet her... and she will just stay wide awake. And sometimes she will cry because she is awake and she still won't sleep. Rocking her helps, but it's so confusing. The official advice, the one we are following, says that for her age (11 weeks, though, 1 month developmentally, considering her due date), she should be sleeping around 3 hours between feeds and that ideally, she should be back asleep within maximum 1h 30 minutes after we started her routine. At our last appointment the physiotherapist said we should not rock her. She has to learn to sleep all by herself. And I do, I want to teach her to be independent. And I hear in my mind the voices of Pamela Druckerman and all the French moms telling me not to pick her up. And I don't, not when she's making her little baby noises. But... if I wait until she screams, am I not teaching her that if she screams I will pick her up? That if she doesn't scream I will ignore her? That's not what I want to teach her. And I really don't know where she is in terms of her development. Some of the things she does correspond to her real age (10-11 weeks) and some others to the date from her due date (4 weeks and a half). And when people say things like: " I did so and so, and my kids turned out just fine", I feel judged, for trying to do things differently, for following advice, for trying to make my girl follow rules that are maybe not applicable to her. And when the professionals say things like: "it happens because you miss her cues", it makes me want to punch things, because I knew the kid wanted to sleep, and it's what I was trying to help her do, all along. I am starting to see she is her own person (obviously), with her own strong will, and she will sleep when she will and she'll stay awake and scream when she feels like doing so, regardless of whatever tactic I am trying to implement at that moment.
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*We still don't know what that is. Is it colics? Is my milk-flow too fast? Do I have too little milk? Is she crying for sport? Is she overstimulated? Angry? Overwhelmed at the world? Does she need a new diaper? Is she in pain? Is she sleepy? Or hungry? Or tired? Or is it that she wants to have a rest and she can't? Is it trapped air? Does she have to regurgitate? Or burp? Or all those things at the same time? She seems to want to eat, but pulls herself away screaming. She wants to sleep, you see her yawn, and no matter what you do, she won't fall asleep until she will. All you can do is roll with it, go with the flow, hug her tight and walk around.
I'm reading Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman and I like it so much I plan to get French Children Don't Throw Food too. I know it' easy to have a plan and much harder to follow the plan. I'm sure having a preemie makes it harder too. I hope things smooth out for you soon :)
ReplyDeleteI think "Bringing up Bebe" is the same book as "French children don't throw food", they just changed the name for the British edition (which was the one I could easily get this side of the pond). She did however write another book called: "French parents don't give in: 100 parenting tips from Paris" which I am kind of curious about.
DeleteAnd you are so, so right, it is easy to have a plan and hard to follow it. In Lorna (of LaLaLorna)'s wise words: "t's ok that we are all doing things differently, because the reality seems to be that no matter what principles and dogmas (we) may have started with, everyone is just getting by. And honestly, hearing that is the most reassuring thing in the world. Some days 'getting by' feels like a collosal victory."
Ohhh I have an entire post written about my thoughts on this but haven't published it because my thoughts change on a day to day basis. Maybe I should. The truth is, I am much more " touchy feely" as a mom than I thought I'd be and so I basically can't stand to let Owen cry. In a nutshell, my thoughts are that she's just growing up and will be awake more (and more and more) during the day. Every time you get used to something it changes. Follow her lead, but in a way that makes sense to you. Owen is in the process of switching to only two naps a day. They change so fast!!
ReplyDeleteP.s. Please do email me about the postpartum sex... I'm not up to posting about it (yet?), but would love to talk.
Oh I would love to read your thoughts... you articulate things so well. And yes, I think gut instinct, trusting ourselves is key, as hard as it is, as clueless as I sometimes (well most of the time) feel.
DeleteAnd yes, that's exactly what I feel: she is more awake, she wants to see the world, she does not want to sleep all day like at the beginning. And following her rather than trying to structure her so much seems to be working a bit better. They do change super fast, I was in awe as I looked at pictures from the first few days and how much she's grown.
I'll email you ...
I find it silly that there are these "rules" when it comes to babies. Every baby is so different, what works for one, will not work for another.
ReplyDeleteWe had a VERY fussy baby for the first couple of months. She was constantly screaming. Later, we figured out what was going on with her: 1) she was sleep-deprived because I had no idea how many hours she was supposed to be sleeping; and 2) turns out she had acid reflux, which is quite common in preemies. She was spitting up voluminously, with acid, and she was clearly in pain as the acid burned her esophagus. There was the back arching, the not sleeping, the hour-long nursing sessions (this was my nightmare, I would literally nurse for 8 hours a day). It took a month to get a diagnosis, which I had to push the doctors for, since they declared her to be just fine. Anyway, once we figured it out, it took another month to get the right medication. Since then, things vastly improved (she is still on the med, but we are slowly weaning her off of it).
But also, as JustMe said, babies are always changing. You get used to a pattern, and then it suddenly changes.
I have no words of advice, just wishing that you and Yu get some rest soon.
Oh, I forgot to say: in those fussy times, we did EVERYTHING possible to get our baby to sleep, including rocking (for hours), singing, whatever worked. It is only recently that she developed the ability to fall asleep on her own, and not 100% of the time either (she is 7.5 months). So I am really confused about your doctor's advice regarding not rocking her. She is still so young!
DeleteThanks so much for this. I had also thought about acid reflux... but she seems to only have the fussiness at a certain period of the day, normally between 6 and 23 h, the rest of the time she is more or less ok, though, more awake than in those early days (which I think it's just her growing). I think if it was a physiological problem she would have symptoms the whole day? I'll ask...
DeleteWhat the physiotherapist said was that if I had already put her in her crib (after changing and feeding her) and she had been asleep, but she wakes up screaming / scared, that I should not rock her back to sleep, but let her do it. However at those moments I have tried to comfort her and sooth her, without immediately picking her up, and sometimes it works, but other times, the fussiness escalates to crying and of course I am going to soothe her / rock her / carry her. I think it's a matter of going with the flow a bit...
I am glad your girl is starting to sleep on her own!
So, I am wary of any baby advice book that markets itself as THE only solution out there, but I believe I have read in multiple places (and this was also confirmed by my pediatrician), that babies don't develop the ability to self-soothe until they are 4 months old. And that is for full term babies - for preemies it is 4 months after their due date. This is why I am so confused by your doctor's advice!
DeleteIs amazing how sometimes in our own world we think we are the only ones living this. But then with this posts you feel you are not the only one. Seems as If i had written this describing my baby.. My baby was born 3 weeks earlier than the due date, so I can see that somethings she does later on and sometimes is a bit annoying when people says.. oh your baby should be doing this.. and you see is not..
ReplyDeleteI am a new first time mom and I was reading all this websites of guides that says what your baby should be doing each week, now we are in week 13 and be sure I stopped. I was driving myself crazy.
I have learnt (finally) that my baby is unique and she will do the things on her way. I nuture her each day, I talk to her, i play with her I share with her. I am so luck I am able to be with her at home, and even sometimes I felt as running away I feel each day I bond with her.
Yes, your baby is unique. Do not listen to the voices telling you "this should happen", "your baby should do that". We are all different, I think our job is to learn to know them and be their guide for a while. Do not drive yourself crazy (easier said than done, still do it sometime). Comparisons are not really helpful at all because some babies do x or y before than others but are more "advanced" in y or z. Just enjoy this time...
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