Friday, January 18, 2013

#January Joy 18: Do some family planning. (Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum.)


 Hahahahhahahahahahahahaa. Do you hear my ironic laugh? Can I laugh at this prompt for another half an hour?

Ok then. Let's recapitulate. Family planning. Plan a family. Plan. Yeah. Plan. As far as I know, we can only plan things that are under our control am I right? Or can we plan the uncontrollable? And if so, can please someone tell me how? Of course this subject is a little bit sensitive, given our situation.  I started planning a family, in my mind, since I was a little girl, and I decided it was possible, that I was open and ready for it when I was 24, at the time I graduated from my first degree. I hadn't met the boy then yet, so it was not a real possibility. Once that we were together we knew we wanted to start our own little clan pretty much right away. You know how the rest of that story is going. So I guess what I want to say is that you can't plan a family. It's the biggest lie since Santa Claus. It's like human rights. You can say that health is a human right, but some people are just born with awful diseases, what happens to their right then? I never understood that. What I understand is that sh*t happens. And how we deal with it is key.

As you start on the family planning journey, you  decide to throw away your birth control of choice. You  budget. You resolve that you are ready and get in synthony with the universe. From that moment on you jump. And you hope. If you are lucky, you will be within the 75-90% of couples that will get pregnant within a year of unprotected, properly timed intercourse. If you are part (and I certainly hope not) of the 10-25%·* that will struggle, or like us, a member of the 1% , you start watching the World as from a different reality, from some kind of lonely, sad, parallel universe, like mermaids**. You start looking at how life (in the most literal sense of the word) happens to everyone but to you. And you wonder. Why? Really, Why? Did I do anything wrong to deserve this? Is this a sick joke from the Universe? When will it stop?

If there is one lesson I've learnt in trying-to-build-a-family-with-children-land is that you have to be ready to let go of ALL control. Any sensible, honest account of pregnancy will let you know that the biggest shock of all is losing control of your body, or rather, realizing that we do not have any control at all. And what about lovely people that have had to go through the heartbreaking, life shattering event of a miscarriage? If family planning existed, if there was control, these awful things would not happen. We would all be able to keep healthy little babies in our wombs just out of our love and willpower. But Nature is not perfect and Science does not know everything. Letting go of control is the first step in family-planning. Accepting that you're in for the scary, the terrifying, the dreadful. All you can do is hold hands and hope for the best. 

Oddly (and please do not stop reading after I say this), I have been finding comfort in the words of a prayer we used to say everyday, at 12:00 sharp at my hardcore-catholic middle school, the Angelus. These words repeat the answer that Virgin Mary gave to Archangel Gabriel after she heard the news that she would be bearing the son of God in her womb. These words are: Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum. Be it done unto me according to your word. Hágase en mi según tu palabra. 

There is acceptance in those words, there is letting go. There is a total, a complete, surrender.
And to survive this journey, I have to surrender too, to let it go. Now, whenever I am having a hard moment I think of those words and I let them take over me. It's going with the flow. It is choosing to walk the (hard) path that has been laid in front of us. Taking it one day, one month at a time, hoping for the best, choosing joy.

*(in 10% of all struggling couples (10%)  all the tests appear perfectly fine, so your diagnosis is "unexplained")

** Thanks Luna, for linking to Jiraffe's beautiful text:

"Being submerged, being infertile reminds me of the great Hans Christian Andersen story called The Little Sea Maiden, destined to watch her dreams and desires but always from a great distance, under water or at the surface. For that is how infertility feels to me. I am like a mermaid. It’s not possible for me to walk on land and do things that come naturally to the mortals who are earthbound. Bargains need to be made, lessons learnt, relationships tested in the most severe of ways for me to achieve one dream of happiness. Infertility is a curse. And worse, so often it is a silent curse, one that cannot be revealed to those around us. So those who suffer from it are doubly afflicted. I wish that the mortals happily walking the land could read this story and comprehend its truth. For infertiles are so often at the mercy of fate, of sea witches. And so often, no one knows" 


Last Image source.

22 comments:

  1. Ok, you said "Human Rights"and that triggered my response. Health is not a human right, access to health is. Important distinction. No one can guarantee that your health will be good, even if you take very good care of yourself, but what has to make sure is that healthcare options are available to you. Just like the right to property or housing doesn't mean that anyone will give you anything, but only that you will not be deprived of the opportunity to get them.

    Now when it comes to family planning, no we can't plan much, and that I know myself as well because I had planned to have one baby, then wait for 3 years and had another one. I had twins instead. The only thing we can do is to express the wish for the universe to hear, work hard at trying and hope for the best.
    We cannot control having a healthy child either, or the struggles that will be laid out in front of us once the child is born, and that I know from experience. We can just work hard, and hope, and trust that it will all be for the best, in the end.

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    1. Oh interesting. I honestly never understood human rights. As in everyone has the right to a nice place to live, etc. and life is just too messy and harsh and difficult. Thanks for the clarification.

      And yeah, in family and health land, all you can do is hope and pray, and believe, and put it out there in the universe like you say. With the having a healthy child thing I had a cry fit this week because of a comment at some blog that made me so so upset, Mark had to calm me down, I really could not take how insensitive, unfair and mean people can be.
      I wish and hope all the best for your family, you know that.

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    2. The key with Human Rights is to understand where they come from and why they were created: they are rights and guarantees to be exercised against the State (not the Universe, that's why they don't work in a larger way ;)and they were created to protect minorities/the underprivileged from the abuses of the majority/those in power (the majority may be underprivileged, it all depends in context). Cuando nos veamos te explico más :)

      Qué comentario leiste que te dejó tan mal? Al proximo que te haga un comentario de miercoles, enviale el articulo de Belette: http://www.labeletterouge.com/2010/05/16-things-you-shouldnt-say-to-cnbc.html
      Y gracias por los deseos, sí, lo sé :)

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    3. El comentario no era dirigido a mí, pero me afectó. Era una chica que tuvo un bebé que nació con un defecto genético. Y acababa concluyendo que "had she known, she had no business getting pregnant in the first place". Y me dio mucha mucha rabia, porque uno no quiere más o menos a las personas según su estado de salud. Entiendo perfecto que todos queremos un bebé sano, que todos deseamos salud para los nuestros. Pero al planear un embarazo, de forma adulta y consciente, debes estar abierto a que TODO puede pasar, es lo que decía de la pérdida de control. Y no soy ingenua, se que hay enfermedades que cambian la vida, mi hermana es enfermera, lo ha visto de cerca, o una de mis mejores amigas tuvo un bebé con un defecto en la innervación del intestino con lo que muchos meses necesitó ser alimentado via sondas que iban directo al estómago, e igual para la defecación, y necesitó también al menos 2 cirugías muy críticas. Ahora el niño tiene como 2 años y está bien , aunque hay que estar siempre al pendiente.
      Séque hay enfermedades y situaciones horribles y que no es fácil, pero me pareció tan insensible, tan ignorante, y tan injusto... que comentara algo así, imaginate que ese niño lee un día ese comentario.

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    4. ah noooo! qué bronca me da ese comentario! No solo por todo lo que tu dices sino porque eso es prejuicio. Quizas ese niño los haga inmensamente felices más allá de sus dificultades, quizas esos padres aprendan cosas de si mismo, del amor y de su resiliencia que no hubieran sabido ni hubieran conocido de no tener un bebé con ese defecto. Yo lo he visto con nosotros y lo que estamos atravesando, que hay gente que nos juzga como culpables, otros que nos tienen pena, y nosotros en el día a día somos felices con cómo son las cosas en el aquí y ahora. No hay una sola manera de ser feliz. Fijate en este articulo y en el primer comentario: http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/07/what-my-sons-disabilities-taught-me-about-having-it-all/260479/

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    5. Gracias por el artículo, es buenísimo, me encantó. Me recuerda un poco un comentario de un amigo (con respecto a otro tema que no viene al caso): "existen dos maneras de crecer como seres humanos, una es el dolor, que con sus golpes no pone en la realidad del ahora y nos proyecta hacia la consciencia, La segunda es por el amor! Recordando, que la felicidad y el amor, son estados naturales en los seres vivos de este planeta."

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  2. This all sounds so horrible.

    Infertility is something I had very little awareness of until I started reading blogs. Kid's are a way off for us, but it is scary to think that when we decide to try it might not happen. For ages especially through uni an unplanned pregnancy terrified me, but the opposite now is equally scary.

    I hope it all works out for you xoxo

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    1. It is crazy how we spend so much time being afraid of getting pregnant*, and then, you reach a point where you start getting afraid of not being able to getting pregnant, so much fear, all the time.

      Anyhow, just start your journey with hope and positive thoughts when the time comes, and just taking odds into account, hopefuly, you won't have a problem (just don't wait too long, but I don't want to interfere so forgot I said that).

      (*Well not me, in my crazy mind I actually kind of hoped I'd have an accident, be a young mom and keep the baby, so I am number 1 fan of the movie Juno)

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  3. That family planning is a prompt for this kind of blows my mind because it feels a little insensitive. Once your body starts making its own ideas known and they don't mesh with what you want it definitely makes the word "planning" feel like a joke.

    I so hope for you that life gives you a baby, and soon. It's not fair, as you know, for someone to be so ready for something and have life hold it back from you.

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    1. Yeah I guess the prompt was meant in a "Start thinking about a family maybe perhaps one day or start preparing your body / getting healthy for pregnancy" way. It was not meant to be insensitive.

      And yeah coming to that realization, that there is no control, that your body is such an unknown thing, is ver very hard. I don't think you can plan much. Even "fertile" couples who get pregnant easily are under the impression that they have the control, when in reality they don't, just as much as we don't. They are just incredibly lucky in that sense. I guess that's why you see so many girls shocked at how your body acts during pregnancy. Crazy hormones. Crazy everything.

      We do remain positive, and hopeful, and I make a point to stay happy, to not let myself be pushed down by this, or take over my whole life and thoughts. We also hope the baby will come. It will be so loved.

      Thanks.

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  4. Als ik dit lees wil ik zo graag helpen. Een kind weg geven (ik heb makkelijk praten, ik heb geen kinderen of kinderwens). Maar eigenlijk is er niets wat ik kan doen of zeggen om het gemis weg te nemen. Ik ben blij dat je het niet overheersend laat worden en probeert te genieten! Ik gun je in ieder geval het mooist, ook 't wonder moederschap.

    xx

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    1. Dank je wel voor zo'n lieve boodschap. Ik put hier veel kracht uit.
      It means more than you can know. :)

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  5. Thanks so much for the link to my post. The mermaid photo you posted is so beautiful. Wishing you the best of luck. (((Hugs)))

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    1. Thanks so much, all the best to you too. I thought your text was beautiful and it really resonated. And you know, the photo was really a serendipitious found, as soon as I finished writing this post I logged on on Facebook and a friend who's a diver had posted it. I thought it was just so perfect for this, and so pretty too, so I found it online :(

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  6. I am always always always impressed with how much grace and thoughtfulness you have on this subject. You're right - nothing is in our control, not even the good things. And it is hard and unfair and stupid. You will be an amazing mom, and I don't know anyone who is more deserving of this miracle than you. Truly. Kamel and I think of you and sending you our love all the time!!

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    1. Thank you so much Lauren, this means a lot :) And you are also one thoughtful lady :) Hard lesson, this illusion of control.

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  7. What's interesting is, in whatever phase of this journey most of us are, what I think most of these women who are writing are this have in common is a need to Be In Control. I would bet if you asked any of us, we are used to planning and preparing for changes in our lives. This isn't something we can plan for. People keep telling me to just let it be. But that's not how I've ever been. Makes you wonder if it's a big cosmic joke. A lesson. Very screwed-up. In general, just makes you wonder.

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    1. Yes, it is funny. People tell us "let it be" or to "just stop thinking about it". Stop thinking about it! I can not stop thinking period, so not to think about something you wish so deeply it is very very hard. I am not so much of a control freak in other senses, but here, I thought because I had studied biology, physiology, reproduction,etc. that I knew my way around and that knowing was the way. Hah, now I just really leave it to the magic forces of the universe, because I think we are kind of dealing with magic, with true miracles (even when you study embryology at a scientific level you often marvel at how perfect it all is and professors do say that the ones who make it really went against all kind of unbelievable odds). Definitely makes you wonder, but accepting that I do not have any control has helped me cope, and also released all that guilt (for a long time I really thought this was my fault in a way or another, am I not eating this, is it because I never took the pill, etc...) Mind games we play. But I know now it is not my fault, or at least, I have decided to believe so, to cut myself some slack and stop blaming it on me, or thinking my body is broken.... It is just adding to the negative feelings, and we need full on positive energy to go through this. We'll make it though.

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  8. I also secretly hoped I would have an accident when I had finished uni and first moved in with M, but looking back, I do not know how we would have handled that.

    Infertility seems so unfair. I never thought too much about it until recently that we started talking seriously about kids more often; thinking of that possibility scares the shit out of me because you are right, people cannot plan or control this stuff.

    I hope that this struggle is over and wish that your baby comes soon. x

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    1. Thank you so much :) It means a lot.
      Yeah I wanted an accident but I also don´t know how I could have done it. In the end though you find a way, but your life changes for sure.
      I hope when / if you decide to have kids, your path will be easy (just based on odds, you have good chances).

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  9. "Let it be" - such a hard place to get to but somehow such a freeing one. I think I get there and then backtrack again quite frequently. And it's hard to explain why it helps - the situation doesn't stop sucking and hurting - but there's some kind of release, a long breath out, a letting go of expectations, and the permission given to just get through this in the best way I can. Sending so many hugs your way.

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    1. Thanks. Hugs your way to. Yes, it is a difficult place to stay in, but we can make ourselves get back there.
      In the end it's always about the here and now and we only live one day at a time. I am happy that I have the best husband ever, and the little things of everyday life that brings us joy keep us going through.
      Sometimes I have to stop watching the world around me, if I start hearing about too many random pregnancy announcements I get sad. For some reason I am genuinely happy for pregnancies of people I love / know / feel close to, but when it just feels random I get very very sad. I have to just start thinking about something else fast and remember that my path is not their path, my story not theirs. We all have different challenges I guess.

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