Bring it on (IVF)

It is funny when all of the things happen at the same time. Last Friday was our (legal) anniversary, we picked up the company's car for the boy's new job (our old car had reached the end of its life a month and a half ago), we went for a walk, had ice-cream and Mexican dinner, and we started IVF. After 6 failed IUI cycles, 2 on which my ovulation was totally missed, the hospital directed us to a new clinic, where there are actual embryologists who perform IVF or ICSI.

With mixed feelings, but renewed hope (as we must) we are continuing on this path. It seems like IUI was an express course on losing The Fear. Last September, when we discovered / accepted that we would need some medical help I was afraid as I have never been before. I never took the pill as contraception because I did not want to imbalance my hormonal equilibrium by "adding" to the mix. I also worried about the environmental consequences of hormones, having studied how endocrine disruptors have effects on anything from amphibians, to fish, to only God knows who else. It turns out I did not really feel side effects and the daily injections for the first 8 days of my cycle were not that bad. I mostly didn't feel any difference, perhaps some bloatedness, but that's it. "Let's just consider this a parable in the pointlessness of sobbing over things that have not yet happened" (To quote the lovely and wise Cara).
 
This time I have decided not to research anything. I am just going to Trust. Trust the doctors, trust they know what they are doing, trust it will work and have faith that this will be it, that our baby will finally come. Whatever happens to me, whatever I feel during the egg retrieval or prior stimuation, I will feel. Yes, knowledge is power, but this time I really don't want to know. And well, I kind of do know anyway because I took a class called "Embryo manipulation" where the whole procedure was explained, so at this point at least, I don't think I need to know more.

This new clinic is really nice: they have posters of scientific articles as well as photos of babies and embryos all over the place and they seem to be very, very professional. I get the feeling they know what they are doing. For instance, it's always the same (smiley) girl doing the echographies to check my follicle growth, and so you feel a sense of continuity (and contagious optimism). I want to believe there is less chance of mistakes due to different doctors observing / working in different ways.  Prior to starting the IVF / ICSI cycle  we had 2 appointments and every time we've been there more than an hour. They really took the time to answer all of our questions. They did kind of imply I was a control freak and that I should let go a bit, but in order to calm down I first really need to know things. They had some blood drawn, to check for infectious diseases, again. Apparently, it's routine, it has to do with the preservation of the embryos. The boy had to provide a sample again and they checked me too. They kept commenting on how the lining of my uterus looked like a textbook and they were happy at the sight of my ovaries, genuinely excited when pointing at all the tiny eggs follicles. After taking a blood sample and monitoring my FSH, estradiol and AMH day-3 levels, we were given the green light to proceed. The thing is, the boy's numbers seem to fluctuate a lot: they are within normal range but they go up and down depending on the day (they told us this after our 3rd or 4th IUI), so that *might* be what's keeping our baby in the limbo. Depending on how things look, they'll decide if they'll go for ICSI or IVF, but so far everything points to ICSI. I really think this just might work for us because in our case it seems that the problem may lie in fertilisation... for all we know it has just never happened. So, we are crossing our fingers and praying that all the steps involved will go well.

The emotional stuff and dealing with people is difficult, though.  I make a point of talking about this to anyone who will listen because I want to change the fact that there is so much stigma associated  with this, that you are supposed to keep it a secret, lest you disturb anyone with it... when it is just something that happens (and no, it's not contagious). And so, the other day I started chatting with a girl with whom I was very, very close when we were 11 or 12, before she moved to a different city and we completely lost contact. It turns out she is a medical doctor (and has a baby). Idiot that I am, I felt safe and told her our story. I got a full lecture on how IVF always sacrifices embryos, and that in other words, I would be killing my own children (those were her words). She concluded by saying that I should think twice before affecting the lives of innocent creatures. Now, I get that this is a very personal and very sensitive subject, and anyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I felt so judged. Judged by someone, nonetheless who has no idea of how this feels. Or assuming that we did not think all of these things already. And while we are choosing to go down this road, while we are immensely grateful that we are even able to do so, it is not our (or anyone's, I'd say) first choice. Getting belly shots, twice per day, while doable and not all that painful, is not fun either. And don't get me started on the transvaginal invader and losing whatever dignity I had after being literally half-naked in front of doctors countless times. I know I am stupid for talking about this, but I just thought that someone who studied medicine would be a little bit more open-minded (and that people change over the years, think for themselves, develop their own criteria.) Maybe I really should keep my big mouth shot.

Anyhow, that's where we're at. Taking the biggest leap of faith yet, believing science is God's (or the universe's) way of helping us and answering to our prayers and  choosing hope and joy, optimism and love.